SSS (swim suit season)

so. swimming suit season.

it's almost here.

and, what's worse, i signed us all up for swimming classes starting the middle of march. we're going to try ava's class AGAIN to see if she can learn something this time. and by "see if she can learn something this time" i really mean. . .um, see if she can learn something this time but in the best possible way (cheesy smiley face so you don't get offended). because last year she refused to get past the first step in the pool and then a couple times her teacher got her out in the water but she freaked out and climbed him and clung to his head as if she were a cartoon character. at the end of the class ryan the swimming teacher came up to me with his clipboard and said, "well, in this class we try to teach the children different things so they can move on to the next class," i peeked at the list. it said things like, "kicks on the kick board, puts head under water, blows bubbles" and do i really need to tell you about how one time ryan the swimming teacher approached ava with the idea that she could stick only half of her face under water and blow some really fun bubbles and she kicked him in the face as she got away from him as fast as she possibly could? ryan the swimming teacher mentioned a few of the other items on the list and then he took a deep breath and started apologetically, "i'm sorry, but i don't think that ava's really ready for the next class yet."

this made me laugh. yeah, i didn't think so either, but thanks for attempting to spare my feelings, ryan the swimming teacher.

so, another swimming lesson season has come and i've signed ava up for another round of lessons. these lessons are only thirty minutes long and for awhile i was concerned with what i was going to do with seth during these lessons until i put two and two together and thought, "hey! i'll sign him up for mommy and me swimming class!"

well, that would be great if I DIDN'T HAVE TO GET IN THE POOL. too late. the class has been filled, seth has a swimming suit and on monday i went to target to try to find one that would flatter (hah!) my matronly figure. well, that was a HORRIBLE idea. because guess what? seth doesn't like to sit in a dressing room while his mother tries on swim suits. so i'm mid-change and seth THROWS open the door and RUNS for his life. and ava chases him screaming. and i'm standing there in my underwear with a swimming suit half on.

well that's just GREAT. so i change, grab my children, head back out to the swim suit section and grab every swim suit in every size i think i might want and i buy them all. then i get home and try them all on after the children have gone to sleep. i'll return the unwanted ones later.

much better. except for the fact that after this is all over, i'm going to still have to don the swim suit and get in the pool in a couple weeks.

big kicks and big ice cream scoops!

the swim lessons march on. and ava really came to do two things: 1) trust ryan-the-swim-teacher and let him do things like hold her by her torso horizontally on the top of the water to encourage her to "kick big kicks" and "use her ice cream scoops". ava spent most of her time clinging to ryan-the-swim-teacher's hands to make sure he didn't let go, keep her neck at the most awkward angle manageable to ensure that none of that water gets on her face and not kick her legs. because she is concentrating so hard on ryan-the-swim-teacher not surprising her with an inpromtu drowning, she can hardly hear him prompt her to kick. however, i consider all of this an improvement because the girl child was not crying.

yet on monday, she cried. sort of hysterically. and when ryan-the-swim-teacher attempted to take her out "swimming" she sort of scaled him and wrapped her little body around his head, only stopping there because there was nowhere to go. ryan-the-swim-teacher could not see, nor smell, nor talk nor hear. he tried reasoning with her and mumbled something incoherent. ava just shook her head and sobbed, "NO! NO! NO!" this happened repeatedly. i tried reasoning with her but honestly, i'm not much help. i can barely get her to keep her clothes on. plus i kept laughing. finally, ava unwrapped herself and ryan-the-swim-teacher set her on the steps to "chill out" (ava's words, not his) and teach the other students.

this involved a young boy named dane who was allowed to swim by himself. ryan-the-swim-teacher stood three feet away from the wall, reminded dane to use "big kicks" and "big ice cream scoops", then pushed him off. dane drowned. without a single kick or ice cream scoop, the kid flailed himself to the bottom of the pool, kicked himself off from the bottom and managed to grab the side of the pool. it was awful. holding my breath and the sides of my chair, i watched his little wet head pop up as he yelled, "MOM! DID YOU SEE ME? I SWIMMED!!!"

to which dane's mother replied, "wahoo! great job, dane! thumbs up!" (she's cheesy, but sweet).

what else happened? oh yeah! a terribly irritating mother who over-mothers watched her little girl have a private swimming lesson with angie, the pool manager, a woman i have come to really respect (not for this instance, but others). angie was teaching this little girl (maybe 18 months?) to put her face in the water by having her grab rings from the bottom step of the pool. after watching my daughter freak out and suction herself to the head of her swim teacher because he tried to help her touch the surface of the water, you can only imagine my amazement as this little girl did exactly as she was asked. very impressive. so despite the fact that the over-mother-er was cheering in a baby voice (a particular pet peeve i share with ryan) and was continually interupting angie to repeat to the child what angie had just said, only in a baby voice, i was interested. angie and child moved on to kicks (and i suspect, to get away from the over-mother-er), but she stood by the side of the pool, cheering and gooing. ryan-the-swim-teacher came along to scoop up the rings left on the step to try and get his class to stick their faces in the water (can you guess if ava did it? can you?) and over-mother-er tried to stop him.

"i don't think that's a good idea." she said. ryan-the-swim-teacher deals with parents all day, so he did what experience has taught him to do: he ignored her. she persisted, "my daughter's not going to be happy when she comes back and those rings are gone." she said, louder this time. ryan continued to ignore her and dropped the rings on the steps, telling his class (ava, dane and another little boy named eli) that they were going to grab the rings. offering ava his hand, he tried to encourage her. ava grabbed at them with her toes, and when that failed, retreated to the top step to calm her quivering chin. over-mother-er tried again, "my daughter was getting those rings from the bottom step."

ryan finally acknowledges her by looking over to the otherside of the pool, where angie and child are practicing kicks on a kickboard. then he turns to over-mother-er, "the toys are for everyone." is all he says. then he offers dane his hand. dane doesn't need it. he sort of flops on to the water and scrambles for the rings. over-mother-er then moves her mouth into an angry thin line, stamps her pedicured foot and goes over to the basket of "everyone's" toys, digs through for some rings, finds the remaining four and goes back to her seat, holding them on her lap.

that's right, ladies and gentleman: someone didn't learn to share. how am i supposed to have children when there are all of these crazy parents running around, making sure that their child gets the best and who cares what's left over for everyone else?

ugh.

i love this whole mothering gig, but sometimes i feel nothing but dismay for many of my peers. and disdain.

so, here we are on wednesday. time for another swim lesson! let's hope the over-mother-er doesn't show up, that ava will at least go out into the water today and that dane doesn't drown.

whoever said motherhood was boring obviously never put her kids in swimming lessons.