i'd like to register this complaint against my child

yesterday, seth was awful. like, i was getting a tour of all the gluten free options whole foods has to offer from a very enthusiastic whole foods employee and seth was doing everything in his power to deter me. like, taking off his shoe and throwing it. or nearly falling out of the cart, like, six times.

so, in the midst of his being awful yesterday, the boy kneed me in the jaw. and it hurt. it was an awful sort of pain that rang through the entire right side of my jaw and then moved into my teeth, then up next to my eye. finally, it settled in my right temple. and it stayed there. and i nearly died. the pain was massive, crippling. i couldn't open my eye, i couldn't talk. i felt like throwing up.

meanwhile, that awful child napped for only an hour and i had a magazine to proof read, a pr piece to follow up on, a photo shoot to arrange and a few phone calls to make. not to mention that the entire house was showing signs of my weekend insanity (i really did go insane last weekend. it was delicious). also, we might have to show up to my photo shoot naked because i really, really need to do the laundry.

guess what? ryan came home and watched the children for an hour while i held very still in our dark bedroom. and then, ryan's mother came and took the kids for the afternoon so i could continue to lay flat and ryan could get back to work.

it was wonderful. seriously, i wasn't quite sure how i was going to get through the day. what a wonderful, wonderful mother in law i have. she's so willing, so kind, so good. i am so grateful for her.

additional notes: the gluten free stuff isn't for me, it's for my mom. the doctors think she's allergic to gluten.

my weekend insanity resulted in: cinnamon rolls, waffles, wheat bread, banana bread, chicken noodle soup, fresh rolls, tres leche cake, chicken pot pie and plans for fresh butter. my friend cara has awakened the sleeping chef in me and i'm thrilled to see her again, although a little tired.

beach

yeah, yeah, yeah, you've heard it before: i love summer. i love the beach. i love photography. but i also really love that rayn was willing to take pictures of me so there is proof that i exist, that ava and seth wanted to go in the water and got completely soaked and that we got to eat trader joe's tuna sandwiches and oatmeal raisin cookies.

what a good saturday.

found:

the honey. in the playouse. in the backyard.

also found: a can of green chilies in the back of the tricycle

all of my measuring spoons at the bottom of the doll crib

my shoes in the bathroom

seth's shoes in the shower

my phone charger under ava's pillow

all this time i thought, 'something must be wrong with me! i can't remember where all my stuff is!' but now i realize it's not me, it's them.

it's almost a relief to know i'm not crazy.

the crying girl

now that i have sam's brown eyes staring at me as soon as my alarm goes off, i've been getting a lot more exercise.

which leads me to a bit of a tangent (hooray for you!): my whole adult life i've been making to-do lists at the start of the day. this helps me bring some structure to my day.

day 1:
exercise for 30 minutes
read my scriptures
personal prayer

day 2:
exercise for 30 minutes!
read scriptures!
pray!

day 3:
EXERCISE
READ SCRIPTURES
PRAY

day 4:
EXERCISE!!!
READ SCRIPTURES!!!
PRAY!!!

have i mentioned that i've been honing my skills as a procrastinator? well, i have. and, if you read those lists, you'll see that i am quite good.

so now when my alarm goes off, sam hops out of his bed, which is right next to me and sniffs the covers and wags his tail so that it whacks the nightstand and i open my eyes and he grins and GUESS WHAT??? i get out of bed.

do you hear that? i am exercising regularly! it's amazing! i mean, i've had spurts where i do it, and it's not like all i do is sit on the couch, because when you have kids that's just not something they stand for, but i, miriam, am exercising WITHOUT my children and without a gym membership bill to guilt me into it.

i know, i'm amazing.

i guess all this time i've just needed a dog. now if i could just find something that makes sure i get my scripture studying and personal praying in too, i think i'll have mastered life. and then what will i do? i don't know. maybe raise carrier pigeons for the greater good.

i digress. anyway, while i walk, i listen to a podcast called this american life, which is a radio program on npr that talks about various things. like, fear of sleep. or contracts. or being TORTURED in iran by the police. so, as i walk along, i listen to some things amusing, but most things sobering and it occurred to me the other day, as i walked next to a guy out for a bike ride who'd stopped to let us pass that i must look like a crazy person. because i was listening to a girl talk about her parent's divorce contract and what it meant to her and i was crying. and then, just yesterday, i walked by a guy getting ready to mow his lawn and i was laughing because this one guy has the funniest sleep disorder stories i've ever heard. and then, this morning, as i was listening to that guy talk about being tortured in iran, i walked past this woman and she gave me a really sympathetic smile.

this is not going to do much for our reputation in this neighborhood. but it is so, so fascinating.

what i've been up to. . .

an 80's prom.
a wedding.
girl scout cookies.
ava's dance recital.
fast track photography group.
list making.
a brand new dog.
and two little children.

it's been busy around here!

it has to be said

to the person who found this blog by googling, "why is my bird so clingy?" i'm sorry, but i have no idea.

a visit from great grandma and great granddad

great grandma helps seth put his oven mitts on. when dealing with hot pans it's a good idea to find oven mitts that go all the way to your arm pits. you can never be too safe! right, seth?

a three generation picture. for posterity.
(edited to add: that actually, it is a four generation picture. i forgot to count)

my grandparents came out to visit (my mom) from nebraska. it was so good to see them, because i tell you what, finding the money to get out there to visit and then managing to arrive all in one piece is a task that makes me quake in fear. so, we sat around and talked until my children wept with exhaustion and i was forced to take them home. it was fun. and now, more than ever, and despite the quaking, i am motivated to get my little family together and spend some happy time in nebraska.

the ipod vs my raw talent

on sunday i played the sacrament hymn at church. even though i took lessons when i was younger (a lot younger), i have always avoided playing in front of other people. my hands shake and i can't seem to understand the notes that i'm seeing--i can't even remember how the song goes! when you combine those memories with the fact that i haven't been actively playing the piano since i was about seventeen, perhaps you'll understand why my smile was completely fake and frozen when the president of the spanish branch, out of pure desperation (obviously) asked me to por favor, por favor, POR FAVOR pull out that old "hymns made easy" and play a couple so we can stop using the ipod?

so i begrudgingly schlepped myself up to my parent's house, ignored my mother and all of the visiting we could have done and played the same simplified version of "In Humility Our Savior" over and over and over again. to the point that ava politely asked, "do you know any other songs, mommy?"

i only managed to play it all the way through without a single mistake once before saturday. and my husband, bless his heart, stood there smiling and said, "it sounds great."

what a nice man.

and of course, sunday came all too soon and i got to the piano and was so nervous i couldn't figure out how to even find the music holder until my brother (who helped me out by playing the first and the third hymn) came along and showed me how to do it. and also encouraged me to play louder. "so they can, you know, hear you." he said.

of course, my moment came all too quickly. and of course, i was so nervous i forgot to pay attention and they announced the sacrament hymn and then everyone got out their books and THEN i put two and two together and hopped up to rush up to the piano. of course, i messed up. and of course, no one really cared. and it was just as terrifying as i imagined it would be. was i playing too fast? too slow? where were my fingers? where was the music? where were the notes? why was i doing this? IS THIS RIDICULOUS OR WHAT?

and mercifully, it ended and i slunk off that bench and sank into the pew just behind it to hide out until the sacrament was over. i didn't really want to look up to see the pitying looks from the congregation, but i looked up anyway.

and ryan was looking right at me. and he smiled and wiggled his eyebrows. and despite the fact that i'd just disgraced myself in front of an entire branch, i smiled back.

to me, that is the most important thing about my marriage. it isn't the romance, the laughter, the sex, the cute pictures, the family dinners, the presents, cards or letters. it's the fact that when i have something hard to do, i look up and ryan is there, smiling and wiggling his eyebrows.

this thought never crossed my mind until sunday. isn't that awful?

now i'm just waiting on that phone call from presidente where he's all, por favor, hermana, POR FAVOR NEVER play again. the ipod will work just fine from now on.

fingers crossed.

the last one

the long and short of 5 years

so, i already blogged about the five years, but for journaling purposes, i'm going to blog about our celebration of it.

that's right; journaling purposes. allow me to warn you: this could be long. really long.

for awhile now, i have been struggling. i can't say it was postpartum, i don't even know if it was depression. anxiety maybe? i know there were a couple times when i thought perhaps i needed to see a therapist for some kind of relief from the constant inability to function with motivation or interest or energy.

the worst part was feeling a loss of identity. the fact that i mattered. it was as if ava's endless requests and seth's constant cries for attention were smothering me. smothering me to the point that i wasn't even paying attention to myself anymore. i was exhausted, bored, irritable and unmotivated. i mean, not all the time, but enough of the time that it was a problem. maybe it's having two kids. maybe it's starting a business. maybe it's letting myself drift away from friends. or not exercising enough. or. . .

it doesn't matter. i was frustrated. and the more frustrated i become, the more pressure i put on myself to do things right and the less i relaxed and enjoyed my life. it was becoming this awful cycle and it was spinning me thicker and thicker into a tangle.

so when ryan pointed out our anniversary at the end of the year, i thought maybe we could get away. for a whole weekend, i could unravel, unwind, let go, sigh and sit back--sleep in! it was going to be heaven, i had all sorts of things planned--and then we realized that things weren't going to work out. the thought of that weekend slipping away almost sent me into hysterics. ryan salvaged things by arranging for his parents to take over for a day.

so we had a day. we went mountain biking (terrifying and fun and hard all at the same time) and we climbed on the rocks at the beach, we ate at a seafood place we've been going to since we first started dating, we went to see avator on the imax 3d screen, we ate chocolate molten cake at chili's. i showered without a single person coming in and urging me to "hurry up and get out" or inform me that "seth dropped his shoes in the toilet" or wondering "what are you doing in there? showering? washing? shaving?"

this day was wonderful for many reasons.

1.  no one sat next to me while we were eating with their mouth wide open. also, i didn't have to look down at my plate and figure out how to feed someone else with a minimum of mess.

2.  once i got used to the feeling of flying around a dirt road on a bike, avoiding rocks, ditches, gopher holes and brush, i got to think. and you know what i realized? i should relax. i should enjoy my children. i should enjoy what i have when i have it and where i have it. and right now, i have two small children that really like to hang out with me. and we love to do things like go to the beach and hike and go to the zoo and go to the park. and i can do those things! i should do those things. if i focus on the fun of being a mother and i let myself have that fun, it is fun. right now, the most important work i have is motherhood. if i put that first, i can do this! and not only that, but i can do it well.

3.  ryan is still my best friend. and to be able to talk and talk and then get to the place where we drive along in the sunshine just holding hands and listening to music, that's heavenly. saturday was a day that included perfectly comfortable and relaxed pauses in conversation. and laughter. a lot of laughter.

4.  i love the beach.

5.  i love being outside.

old, old, old

rodge and i share a deep love for old, abandoned houses. our love separates where i want to live in one and fix it up my way and he wants to never live in one, but to live in something new and nice.

we love to explore old and abandoned houses. we have been known to climb the roofs of these houses and attempt to break in.

i love this about us.

ps if you're looking for the weekly picture (and let's be honest, you totally are), i've moved that little feature next door, to the photoblog.

it's all about love.

then

ryan and i dated about five (and a half!) months before we got engaged. then we got married eleven weeks after that. when we're being generous, we say we dated for six months and were engaged for two. that's eight months total (fast!)

"dude," my friend susanna told me, "that's either so right it's good, or so bad it's stupid."

so far, it's not stupid.

happy five years, manly.

now

christmas card

did NOT manage to get a christmas card out this year, so enjoy this little gem and read back a couple posts. that ought to do it.

oh yeah, and merry christmas!

the wiles of a three year old.

ava walks up to me and hands me her tube of toothpaste. "here mom," she says, "i just finished drinking a little bit of this."

me: "gross, ava. i don't want you to do that again."

ava: "I know, mom. that's why i went into my room where you can't see me."


she's so smart and yet, not.

skirball and a date

saturday morning began the way it always begins: pancakes, disco music and a list of things we need to get done. i, of course, had a huge list and ryan, of course, had a huge list. breakfast ended and as "boogie wonderland" played in the background we stared grimly at the yellow legal pad we'd scribbled all over.

"i want to go to the skirball instead," i said.

ryan hopped up. "okay," he said.

and that's what we did. we went to the skirball, where ava is just the right age for the set up they have (a noah's ark with animals to play with and a little jungle gym that, despite the fact that it terrified both kids, was brilliant), and we played all day. it was absolutely the best. and then, as if that wasn't enough, ryan came up with the brilliant idea of going out that night for dinner. so he called his mom and started talking about a plan. like, maybe we could go to dinner about five? and we'll probably get home around ten or so?

"ryan," i said to him when he hung up, "what on earth are we going to do for FIVE HOURS?"

he shrugged, "maybe i just want to hang out with my wife, okay? you got a problem with that?"

"for five hours?"

we didn't make it the whole five hours, but we did sit at the table at the restaurant long after our food was consumed and talked. it is SO nice to talk to ryan withOUT the little voice piping up in the background, "EXCUSEMEMOMMYEXCUSEMEMOMMYEXCUSEMEMOMMY".

heaven. as much as i love the little fuzzy heads who climb into bed with us every morning, as much as they enhance my love for ryan,  the fact remains that i didn't marry him just because i thought he'd make a great dad. i married him because of all of the other aspects of him, the thinker, the goofball, the historian, the salesman, the romantic--and i love it when i can sit down and focus on all the other ryans. he's (they?) (are) my favorite.

dear internet,

i wish you a happy thanksgiving. also, i wish you lots of peace and joy all the time, not just in this holiday season. and i want you to know that i'm thankful. really, i am.

love,

me.

some early morning thoughts

things were quiet this morning. i sat in the middle of the couch in the middle of my clean living room and i got to read and write and think. everything was so still around me, even buddha was sleeping. of course, every five minutes i heard ryan's snooze alarm go off and then the sound of his repeatedly pushing the snooze button and then quiet again.

and then, suddenly, everyone was awake. ava was dancing naked in the hallway, singing a song and cheering for the new day. ryan was calling out for her to pick up her overnight diaper and throw it in the trash. the shower was starting. seth was crying because i wouldn't let him take his blankee into the bath. buddha was protesting ava's attempts at getting him into the tub, i was calling out for her to "stop! leave the cat alone!"

just two children is so noisy, so active. i can't only imagine what my mother was doing with six children (well, i can remember hearing the sound of my brothers running down the hall laughing and screaming at 6 in the morning, labrador in tow. and then WHAM! all of them hit my bedroom door with all of their weight because apparently, it is more fun to slam your body into a door than to simply turn and continue running toward the kitchen).

the other night we were having dinner and somehow, in order for me to tell ryan about my day or the other way around, we had to yell over ava and seth. you'd think that with all that food to put in their mouths they'd be quiet and concentrate on that, but somehow, that isn't the case. and the noise is impressive. it reminds me of a family dinner at my parents house where recently my mother was placed between two of my brothers. suddenly she stood and shouted, "the volume! the volume!" all the while moving her hands in a gesture that i can only describe as being the opposite of raising the roof. everyone stopped, blinked a few times, then continued right on with the yelling.

so those rare mornings when i'm actually awake enough to brave the cold and slither out of bed and into some very attractive knee-high socks, i feel like a lucky girl. it is quiet and i am alive to hear it.

only funny to the mormons. . .(sorry)

"This AM, on my 4th rep of 100 crunches I started being all deep. Tons of you know that we've beenthinking about getting preggo for over a month. Everyone is like, why now TAMN, you have two 6 months olds cuter then everyone eltse's babies combined, wait a little, your so young, quit whinning when you've only tried for a month and 'technicly' wouldn't even 'know' yet if you were preggy.

Thanx but, rude."

holy cow, i actually snorted when i read this. that blog seriously so blessed has me first laughing because it's so hilarious and then groaning because i have read a million blogs JUST LIKE IT. i am hoping beyond hope that mine isn't one of them. . .because seriously? how awful would it be to feel scornful of YOURSELF?

on an unrelated note, i am hosting my very first giveaway from csnbaby.com and you can enter to win a cute photo album from dwell studio by entering to win.

do it. when you win, you'll thank me.

that's just the way it goes

thursday was a bad day. it started with three things: 1) seth cried non stop when he fell and would not be appeased. this meant that he was still sick. we've been sick in this house of ours for almost two weeks and i have had it UP TO HERE with the sickness around here! 2) SOMEONE emptied and disorganized my drawer that contains ziploc bags, saran wrap and tin foil. now that drawer is impossible to open or close. so i freaked out, threw the rawer open, threw all of the ziploc bags out and on to the floor and maybe swore them to death. 3) ava came in with a stern look on her face and asked, "mommy, what is wrong with you?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME: i have two small children. i spend my days in a house that i clean. REPEATEDLY. the laundry keeps needing to be done, the floor keeps needing to be swept and FOR THE LOVE OF PETE PEOPLE WHO KEEPS UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER ON TO THE FLOOR???

so i called up my friend crystal who also has two small children i half-whined half-shouted HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?? THESE CHILDREN ARE CRAZY AND THIS HOUSEWORK IS AWFUL AND I'M TIRED AND. . .

and crystal, in her great wisdom, asked me, "well, what do you like about mothering seth and ava?"

well, i had to really think about that. and i've been thinking about it all evening.

what i love about mothering ava: last night ryan took seth to his mutual activity (youth night) and it was just ava and me. we went to jo ann's to get some stuff for her halloween costume, then we went to my parent's house. on the way home, we sang songs together. i really love that. i really love the moments when i'm able to focus my energy on her and soak her in. i loved watching her long little legs kick in time with the song, her hand flatly brush her hair from her face, her eyes wander at the sights through the window as we sang the alphabet, the twinkle, twinkle little star song, the sunbeam song. . .

i love doing crafts with her. coloring, gluing, painting, cutting things out, making necklaces and bracelets. . .i love spending that time observing her concentration and creativity.

i love reading her books. i love listening to her observe the world around her and remark on it. i love cooking with her. i love watching her play with seth.

i hate doing her hair. (sorry, i guess i couldn't stop myself)

what i love about mothering seth: i love that he still needs me. the other night he woke up crying (damn sickness!) and i got him out of bed and rocked him for a few minutes. did you know he doesn't really fit anymore? i mean, the kid rests his head on my shoulder and not only does his little body trail off of my lap because he's so tall, but it hurts after a little while. but he still wants to snuggle, still finds comfort in resting along my body, his little hand resting on the back of my neck.

i love that seth makes this squished up face when he walks around. i love that he loves to eat meat and potatoes and all other things unhealthy. i love that he wants to carry a wooden spoon, a pen, a regular spoon or a stick with him at all times.

i love reading seth books. i love that he sits very still and listens carefully and then very gently, with his sweet little pointer finger, he points and points and points and says, "GAAA?" oh, i love that.

so, good news: i don't really hate being a mother and i have my friend crystal to thank for that. but being a mother is really, really hard. and i'm grateful for other mothers who can nod their sympathies, offer small words of encouragement and give me a hug when i need it. and that includes my own mother.

discover your personality today!

so, facebook.

you know what i mean, it's practically the center of the internet. and i really have a strong love-hate thing with it. i love the opportunity to see everyone and "catch up" with whatever they're putting out there, but i hate the way it's like this big empty pit and i can just open the door and heave whatever time i had that afternoon right into it. so i avoid it as much as i can. except the other day i was on and i noticed a photographer i've been following offer a 6-month mentorship for free. all you had to do was write a little essay of sorts telling her why she should pick you. so i wrote one. i figured i'd give it a shot.

well guess what? she picked me. so, after some extreme fist pumping and white-girl booty shaking (improved slightly due to the bellydancing classes i've been taking), i sat down and did the first thing she asked me to do: take a personality test.

i used to think personality tests were really lame until ryan went to some training thing for work and took one and came home and showed me the results. at first i only really glanced at the results until i read, "this type of personality can sometimes be frustrating due to the fact that they like to think about things so long" and then i was like, DUDE. YOUR PERSONALITY TEST JUST DESCRIBED YOU TO ME. and i kept reading and it said, "when dealing with this type of personality it helps to let them think things through and come to their own conclusions" and THEN it added, "this type of personality tends to be very meticulous. this can frustrate the partners of this personality type. it is best to encourage them gently to stop thinking and take action" and then when ryan came into the room i was weeping softly and hugging the book and he asked what was wrong and i was all, this BOOK is like the manual that you never came with! no one understands the frustrations that i experienced when buying a washing machine with you like this book does. NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY KNOW HOW AWFUL IT IS TO SIT DOWN AND DO OUR FINANCES WITH YOU EVERY WEEK LIKE THIS BOOK CAN!!

seriously, let me desrcibe a secenario to you: we're going to run errands on a saturday morning. i want to go to target to get some batteries and an iphone cover, the bank to deposit some checks, the drycleaners to get ryan's work clothes and the gap for a white polo shirt for seth. we get in the car. and then, we sit there. why? BECAUSE RYAN WANTS TO PLOT OUT OUR DRIVE THAT'S WHY. the man CRAVES efficiency. and i just want to get our errands done so we can be done with it and move on to the fun stuff.

"but don't you see?" ryan says (and i swear he said the next part), "IT'S FUN TO BE EFFICIENT."

and then i pretend to be dead. because that is the best coping mechanism i have been able to think of so far.

so you can bet i kept that notebook that was filled with ryan's personality. and sometimes, when all hope is lost, i slink over to the bookshelf, bring it down and describe how ryan made me categorize and sub-categorize my latest receipt from the grocery store and i was like, are you serious? and he was like, HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP OUR FINANCES IN ORDER, WOMAN? (plus, don't you remember that efficiency is FUN?)

and that notebook is like, DUDE, I KNOW.

so i show ryan my personality and he read it and his eyes got wide and he was all, THAT'S WHY! and then he heaved a great sigh of relief, held me at arm's length and told me that i was a good person.

well, thank goodness for that. i only hope my ways are not frustrating enough for him that i have to walk in and find him holding the computer screen and weeping softly, exclaiming about how this computer understands him better than any computer has ever understood him. because if you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you can only guess what that poor man has to put up with on a daily basis (example: CHICKENS IN OUR BACKYARD). so let me add now, here, publicly for ALL to see: i LOVE him. i do. more than anyone will ever love him. really.

this mentee-ship is going to be amazing. it's more than helping with the selection of business cards it's someone holding your hand and asking you, why do you want to be a photographer? and you sitting there thinking about it until your head hurts and then saying, I DON'T KNOW and then they say, wrong answer. try again.

lesson 1: i am an ENFP, or an Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving. and, after reading my personality description i can only conclude this one thing: i am AWESOME. also, no wonder i have, as late, been completely bored with the thought of cleaning the house ONE MORE freakin' time. it's my personality. it can't be stopped.