beach

yeah, yeah, yeah, you've heard it before: i love summer. i love the beach. i love photography. but i also really love that rayn was willing to take pictures of me so there is proof that i exist, that ava and seth wanted to go in the water and got completely soaked and that we got to eat trader joe's tuna sandwiches and oatmeal raisin cookies.

what a good saturday.

proud to be mine

so the other night at dinner, we had the missionaries over and we were talking about what time of the day we were born. "i remember what time seth was born exactly," i was saying, "11:58 PM. Just two minutes away from being born the next day," i looked over at that little naked man in his highchair, noodles on his chin, broth in is hair (making it stick up in a sort of haphazard way), and i just couldn't help myself, i started to gush, "and now he's here, my little baby seth," and then seth beamed and looked around at everyone who was looking at him and smiling like he was just so proud. like, yes. i. am! her little baby seth! 

man, this whole parenting thing can be so worth it sometimes.

the cousins go to the zoo

mad that he's not driving

watching the koi

baby davis stomping in the mud

ava and davis on the train

cousins

davis crying and seth trying to hand her the teddy bear

as i look through my viewfinder, i see seth slowly lean back without changing his expression. next thing i know, he's flat on his back. perhaps a sign that he'd had enough?

davis' sign: she turned around

seth is actually digging something out of the wood AND EATING IT

set and ava have one cousin: her name is davis. and this weekend davis came out to visit with her parents, shannon and justin. since all three grandchildren were constantly hanging out together, kristine requested a picture. and we sure tried to give it to her.

at one point shannon and kristine were dancing wildly in the weeds, swinging their arms, laughing hysterically and singing, "a wise man build his house upon a rock. . ." and while ryan laughed and seth looked puzzled (you'll notice his expression doesn't change. i don't think he smiled once), i shouted, "RODGE! RODGE!" because the reflector was being held askew and there was shadow on seth's face.

remind me to never do that again.

a man child in a tie

took about six billion of these just to finally--FINALLY get one of these:

he's practicing for his general authority picture

bubbles

even sam loves bubbles

after a bath

18 of them. months, that is.

i think that when i walk around with him people might not think, "look at that baby." they might think instead, "look at that little boy."

shoot.

he talks. a lot (if he and ava are equally chatty i will have to lock myself away in a tower). he pretends to throw himself on the floor when he doesn't get his way. he does it so carefully that you know what he's up to and it's easy to refuse sympathy. he also loves to run away from you when you're mad at him. he squeals while doing so and then i have to smile because he's just so dang cute and then the punishment is pointless. he loves to feed people his food. only grandparents like this. he loves to hug ava. she likes it only half the time. he also loves to make her shriek. if a hug can get her to shriek, excellent. if not, he'll try something else, like flapping his hand in her face or pulling on her shirt sleeve. when he walks with a bowl of food, he spills it. then, when he bends down to pick up and put it back in the bowl, he spills the rest. when he hugs me, he holds me tight and rubs my back. he wants to hold my hand for a minute before falling asleep. sometimes he shouts, "MOM." just to hear me answer. he loves to be held. he loves to snuggle. he loves me.

i love him.

bedhead. this is pre-haircut. now, upon just awakening, he looks more masculine.

the best part of our week

so, good news! we got haircuts. and do i really need to add that we love them?

more on the injured

i realize i forgot to tell the story of seth's face.

so, we like to take our bikes and ride down the driveway. seth does this very badly. i hope he grows out of it by the time he's a teenager because i don't think we can afford a new mailbox every other day. so, he was on his way down the driveway and i was following him, he kicked it into high gear, veered to the left and went right towards the curb where i foresaw his flying through the air and really hurting himself. i shouted his name (didn't work, didn't expect it to) and started running, grabbed at him, and missed (just barely).

seth's little bike slammed right into the street, nose down, seth flew over the handlebars. i heard his head hit the gravel. it sounded sickening.

the worst part (or the most inconvenient part, i guess) is that ryan had stayed home to do a business call that included a client that needed wooing and his boss. so, before he went on the call, he begged me to please do whatever i could (short of drugging them) to keep those kids quiet. it was very important. so we figured he'd go in the bedroom, which was the room farthest from where the kids would be, and i'd take them outside.

naturally, i realized that i had yet to get dressed and now the call had started and i had no choice but to herd the children out the front door and just stay out there in my pajamas. it was nice. and then, when seth hit his head and i ran after him and was in my pajamas, my neighbor drove by.

nice.

so i picked that sethy boy up, screaming bloody murder and rushed him into the house and searched for a) a bandaid and b) ANYTHING to make him stop crying.

so that's how it happened.

check out my kid's head

ouch

it looked better (or worse) two days ago, when he fell. and boy, did he fall.

one for the road

ryan's all, so a guy walks into a bar. . .

"a christmas miracle!"

so ryan and i think we're hilarious. i suspect that we're not because no one ever seems to laugh as hard as we do when we're around. so, in the spirit of the holiday season, ryan and i perhaps claimed that one too many things were christmas miracles (because that is hilarious). and ava, the little sponge that she is (example: i describe my car as "hell on wheels" and she scoots right on out to mailbox with the eagerness of a new puppy to inform the mailman that his mail truck is hell on wheels. cool.) has caught on to the trend and has proclaimed many a mundane thing a christmas miracle. she also likes to repeat (or question) that "christmas has been canceled". anyway, i thought you might want to know that. i mean, i know my parents (and ryan's!) do.

so here's our christmas morning breakdown. it began the night before with the tradition of setting christmas treats out for santa, along with some carrots for the reindeer (this process was pronounced a christmas miracle) and then some firm bedtime-ing. ava was a little excited and spent a lot of time requesting drinks of water and one more song.

christmas morning began with ava slamming a plate down on top of ryan's face and announcing that sometime during the night santa had come and had eaten his cookies.

i was just short of devastated. "you went into the living room already?" i asked.

"yes," ava answered, then brightly, "and the reindeer ate the carrots!"

so we go through this huge ordeal to buy presents and hide them, to build presents, to set things up like some jolly old elf snuck into our house and leaves presents behind and come morningtime, all ava really cares about is the fact that somebody ate the cookies and carrots.

"well, did you see what santa left you?" i ask.

"oh, yeah, a pink bike," ava answered. like i just asked her if she remembered to brush her teeth before she went to bed the night before.

so the moment i envisioned as i purchased that stupid pink bike never occurred. the joy, the happiness, the glee, the hands clapping, the feet jumping, the ecstatic exclamations of "it's a christmas miracle!"? none of it. i got none of it.

oh well. hasn't motherhood just been one enormous journey of learning how to cope with all of your careful plans going completely haywire and working with something completely different?

in all fairness, seth, after we poked and prodded to wake him and then bribed him, was thrilled with his little rocking moose.  at least one of my children will fulfill my dreams as i play st nick for him.

naturally, the number of presents overwhelmed them, i enjoyed my presents and was not overwhelmed and ryan videotaped far too much. including the reaction to my opening a present and, as soon as he'd shut the darn thing off he asked, "so, what do you really think?"

oh please. i don't have enough minutes in my day to fake a reaction to a christmas present.

luckily my family has a christmas tradition good enough to cure the disappointment of a jilted santa claus. after the magic of christmas had lifted, we packed up and headed over for a heart attack breakfast: a once a year treat prepared by my father which includes scrambled eggs, bacon, homemade hash browns and fresh squeezed orange juice.  it is divine.

so while we ate food that slowly clogged our arteries, ava pronounced her bacon a christmas miracle and i found myself looking forward to next year; another shot at experiencing some pure, unadulterated joy.

*also, i'd like to take this opportunity to record the moment where, unable to bear leaving his blankee for even a few moments, seth dragged his blankee into the bathtub. despite my washing the thing weekly, the bath water turned light brown. it was disgusting. but as seth snuggled in the bath, i couldn't help but smile.

kids do the weirdest things to you. i swear, at one point, i was a reasonable adult who did more than chit chat about her kids all day.

christmas card

did NOT manage to get a christmas card out this year, so enjoy this little gem and read back a couple posts. that ought to do it.

oh yeah, and merry christmas!

skirball and a date

saturday morning began the way it always begins: pancakes, disco music and a list of things we need to get done. i, of course, had a huge list and ryan, of course, had a huge list. breakfast ended and as "boogie wonderland" played in the background we stared grimly at the yellow legal pad we'd scribbled all over.

"i want to go to the skirball instead," i said.

ryan hopped up. "okay," he said.

and that's what we did. we went to the skirball, where ava is just the right age for the set up they have (a noah's ark with animals to play with and a little jungle gym that, despite the fact that it terrified both kids, was brilliant), and we played all day. it was absolutely the best. and then, as if that wasn't enough, ryan came up with the brilliant idea of going out that night for dinner. so he called his mom and started talking about a plan. like, maybe we could go to dinner about five? and we'll probably get home around ten or so?

"ryan," i said to him when he hung up, "what on earth are we going to do for FIVE HOURS?"

he shrugged, "maybe i just want to hang out with my wife, okay? you got a problem with that?"

"for five hours?"

we didn't make it the whole five hours, but we did sit at the table at the restaurant long after our food was consumed and talked. it is SO nice to talk to ryan withOUT the little voice piping up in the background, "EXCUSEMEMOMMYEXCUSEMEMOMMYEXCUSEMEMOMMY".

heaven. as much as i love the little fuzzy heads who climb into bed with us every morning, as much as they enhance my love for ryan,  the fact remains that i didn't marry him just because i thought he'd make a great dad. i married him because of all of the other aspects of him, the thinker, the goofball, the historian, the salesman, the romantic--and i love it when i can sit down and focus on all the other ryans. he's (they?) (are) my favorite.

what seth did this week part 3

1. he pooped everywhere. like, everywhere. either that, or he just pooped in one spot and transported all of his poop to other places. and he smeared it. like, in his hair. it was a time when i wished for a strong hose with which to clean him off. but that sounded mean, so i wiped what i could and bathed the boy with strong smelling soaps and hearty disinfectants.

2. he climbed a wobbly table and danced on it. then, he fell off.

3. he went to let the cat out of my bedroom and somehow, ended up locking himself in.

4. he sat on santa's lap and FREAKED out.

5. he climbed out of his crib after a nap and scared me half to death by greeting me at the door when i went to go get him up.

6. he challenged me to a duel while we were out hiking. i accepted.

7. on the one day his blankee smelled so foul i couldn't take it another minute, he became both sneaky and attached. so when i got it away from him, he somehow managed to get it back. it was distressing. it also postponed the cleaning of the blankee for two days. TWO DAYS.

mothering a boy is more active than mothering a girl, but i have to say that i really am loving it. i guess i thought i wouldn't. but it is so amusing to watch seth's brain and see how different it is from ava's.

an example: we have chickens. and both kids want to hold the chickens. so ava gets one, and she holds it. she just sits with the little hen on her lap, stroking her feathers. when seth gets one, he's content to just hold the thing for a second and then, you can see him look around, the wheels in his head turning. and then, he'll do something. like put the chicken in the stroller and try to push it around the yard. or put it on the bike. or try to lock it in a cage and feed it pieces of grass.

i love seeing the differences in my children, i love watching them grow and develop. what a fascinating thing it is to be a mother!

pictures from out adventures at the skirball cultural center tomorrow

what seth did this week

1. vacuumed the cat. it worked splendidly. he thought it was hilarious until the cat reacted.

2. fell into a rose bush. the scratches make him look as though he had vacuumed a thousand cats. taking him out in public is now slightly embarrassing. watching him point to each one and tap it lightly with his little finger and pity himself is adorable.

3. pulled my dresser drawers out and climbed them like steps to reach the forbidden--and highly coveted ipod earphones. it was impressive and terrifying all at once.

4. pulled a pair of ava's underpants and got them mostly over his diaper. that bad boy was sportin' princess jasmine like no boy child ever has.

5. ate sand. and then had some more. then, he washed it down with a little ocean water, then he had some more. the beach was amazing, the weather perfect, but the sand consumption was less than ideal. and now that seth is mobile the beach is a dangerous place. nothing will stop him from diving head first into the ocean water. it was partially cute, partially exhausting and partially terrifying. my baby is going to drown before he sees his second birthday.

things seth did this weekend

1. dragging his blankee through the pile of dust, crumbs, cheerios, leaves, dirt, etc. that i'd swept into a nice pile on my kitchen floor. he did this on purpose. i know because he giggled.

2. helping my mother in law by grabbing glass items and running away with them. this was also done on purpose. i know because again, he giggled.

3. NOT hiking on the trail but instead, hiking anywhere else. like, the creek. or the poison oak. and guess what? he giggled the whole time. i think we can guess what that means. . .

4. collecting sticks and sword fighting with anyone else who happened to be holding a stick. or any bush that had sticks poking out of it.

5. dropping ryan's keys in the toilet. we can't be sure if he did this on purpose because ryan didn't discover it for a few hours and seth was asleep at the time of discovery. but, after living what we lived through with him this weekend, my guess is that yeah, it was on purpose.

6. also, this isn't so much as a story to tell, but more of a daily, no, hourly, occurrence in my life: he won't hold my hand. i mean, WON'T HOLD MY HAND. as in, would rather die than hold my hand. there is no way to guide that boy. i spend an awkward amount of time chasing and then an awkward amount of time trying to hold the wriggling, wiggling boy child who can sure kick well.

boys! they are a completely foreign substance and i find myself chasing after him with a growing feeling of desperation. how long can this possibly last? perhaps i've just discovered the reason why i am so tired all the time:

i'd offer you a view from the front, but it is a side of him i see seldom these days.

this is the last of it, i promise

that's just the way it goes

thursday was a bad day. it started with three things: 1) seth cried non stop when he fell and would not be appeased. this meant that he was still sick. we've been sick in this house of ours for almost two weeks and i have had it UP TO HERE with the sickness around here! 2) SOMEONE emptied and disorganized my drawer that contains ziploc bags, saran wrap and tin foil. now that drawer is impossible to open or close. so i freaked out, threw the rawer open, threw all of the ziploc bags out and on to the floor and maybe swore them to death. 3) ava came in with a stern look on her face and asked, "mommy, what is wrong with you?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME: i have two small children. i spend my days in a house that i clean. REPEATEDLY. the laundry keeps needing to be done, the floor keeps needing to be swept and FOR THE LOVE OF PETE PEOPLE WHO KEEPS UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER ON TO THE FLOOR???

so i called up my friend crystal who also has two small children i half-whined half-shouted HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?? THESE CHILDREN ARE CRAZY AND THIS HOUSEWORK IS AWFUL AND I'M TIRED AND. . .

and crystal, in her great wisdom, asked me, "well, what do you like about mothering seth and ava?"

well, i had to really think about that. and i've been thinking about it all evening.

what i love about mothering ava: last night ryan took seth to his mutual activity (youth night) and it was just ava and me. we went to jo ann's to get some stuff for her halloween costume, then we went to my parent's house. on the way home, we sang songs together. i really love that. i really love the moments when i'm able to focus my energy on her and soak her in. i loved watching her long little legs kick in time with the song, her hand flatly brush her hair from her face, her eyes wander at the sights through the window as we sang the alphabet, the twinkle, twinkle little star song, the sunbeam song. . .

i love doing crafts with her. coloring, gluing, painting, cutting things out, making necklaces and bracelets. . .i love spending that time observing her concentration and creativity.

i love reading her books. i love listening to her observe the world around her and remark on it. i love cooking with her. i love watching her play with seth.

i hate doing her hair. (sorry, i guess i couldn't stop myself)

what i love about mothering seth: i love that he still needs me. the other night he woke up crying (damn sickness!) and i got him out of bed and rocked him for a few minutes. did you know he doesn't really fit anymore? i mean, the kid rests his head on my shoulder and not only does his little body trail off of my lap because he's so tall, but it hurts after a little while. but he still wants to snuggle, still finds comfort in resting along my body, his little hand resting on the back of my neck.

i love that seth makes this squished up face when he walks around. i love that he loves to eat meat and potatoes and all other things unhealthy. i love that he wants to carry a wooden spoon, a pen, a regular spoon or a stick with him at all times.

i love reading seth books. i love that he sits very still and listens carefully and then very gently, with his sweet little pointer finger, he points and points and points and says, "GAAA?" oh, i love that.

so, good news: i don't really hate being a mother and i have my friend crystal to thank for that. but being a mother is really, really hard. and i'm grateful for other mothers who can nod their sympathies, offer small words of encouragement and give me a hug when i need it. and that includes my own mother.