Friday, October 23, 2009

that's just the way it goes

thursday was a bad day. it started with three things: 1) seth cried non stop when he fell and would not be appeased. this meant that he was still sick. we've been sick in this house of ours for almost two weeks and i have had it UP TO HERE with the sickness around here! 2) SOMEONE emptied and disorganized my drawer that contains ziploc bags, saran wrap and tin foil. now that drawer is impossible to open or close. so i freaked out, threw the rawer open, threw all of the ziploc bags out and on to the floor and maybe swore them to death. 3) ava came in with a stern look on her face and asked, "mommy, what is wrong with you?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME: i have two small children. i spend my days in a house that i clean. REPEATEDLY. the laundry keeps needing to be done, the floor keeps needing to be swept and FOR THE LOVE OF PETE PEOPLE WHO KEEPS UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER ON TO THE FLOOR???

so i called up my friend crystal who also has two small children i half-whined half-shouted HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?? THESE CHILDREN ARE CRAZY AND THIS HOUSEWORK IS AWFUL AND I'M TIRED AND. . .

and crystal, in her great wisdom, asked me, "well, what do you like about mothering seth and ava?"

well, i had to really think about that. and i've been thinking about it all evening.

what i love about mothering ava: last night ryan took seth to his mutual activity (youth night) and it was just ava and me. we went to jo ann's to get some stuff for her halloween costume, then we went to my parent's house. on the way home, we sang songs together. i really love that. i really love the moments when i'm able to focus my energy on her and soak her in. i loved watching her long little legs kick in time with the song, her hand flatly brush her hair from her face, her eyes wander at the sights through the window as we sang the alphabet, the twinkle, twinkle little star song, the sunbeam song. . .

i love doing crafts with her. coloring, gluing, painting, cutting things out, making necklaces and bracelets. . .i love spending that time observing her concentration and creativity.

i love reading her books. i love listening to her observe the world around her and remark on it. i love cooking with her. i love watching her play with seth.

i hate doing her hair. (sorry, i guess i couldn't stop myself)

what i love about mothering seth: i love that he still needs me. the other night he woke up crying (damn sickness!) and i got him out of bed and rocked him for a few minutes. did you know he doesn't really fit anymore? i mean, the kid rests his head on my shoulder and not only does his little body trail off of my lap because he's so tall, but it hurts after a little while. but he still wants to snuggle, still finds comfort in resting along my body, his little hand resting on the back of my neck.

i love that seth makes this squished up face when he walks around. i love that he loves to eat meat and potatoes and all other things unhealthy. i love that he wants to carry a wooden spoon, a pen, a regular spoon or a stick with him at all times.

i love reading seth books. i love that he sits very still and listens carefully and then very gently, with his sweet little pointer finger, he points and points and points and says, "GAAA?" oh, i love that.

so, good news: i don't really hate being a mother and i have my friend crystal to thank for that. but being a mother is really, really hard. and i'm grateful for other mothers who can nod their sympathies, offer small words of encouragement and give me a hug when i need it. and that includes my own mother.

1 comment:

redstarmama said...

I am so with you, my dear! I woke up this morning to send Declan to school, panicked at the thought that I am now incubating, in my very body, a third adorable, snuggly tornado of mess, and that I brought it upon myself. And then I remembered how it feels to hold a newborn, and the panic faded.

Just wait till Ava is about 5. That's when Declan actually became helpful. He's still messy, but he earns some of his keep now.

You are a great mother! Hang in there!