and you thought it ended there. . .

ava: where did we get this baby doll, mom?

me: it's not ours. it's chloe's.

fifteen minutes later. . .


ava: does this baby doll belong to us, mom?

me: no. it's chloe's.

ava: so, it's not ours?

me: i'm not answering that question.

ava: who does this belong to, mom? is this is our baby doll?

me: no. it's chloe's. and i already told you that. and i'm not answering that question one more time.

ava: this doll? this doll isn't ours? yes, it is, mom. it's ours. it's not chloe's. does this doll belong to us? is this our doll? does this doll belong to me or chloe? me or chloe, mom? is it chloe's? did i get this doll when i was a little tiny baby? is this my doll?

me: NO! IT BELONGS TO CHLOE! AND! IT! DOES! NOT! BELONG! TO! US!

ava: (after a pause) you mean it's not mine?

this morning

6:30 this morning. I am shamelessly still in bed. ava and seth are not. ava runs to my bedside, grabs my arm and shakes it.

ava: MOM! sethy is eating the DOG FOOD RIGHT OUT OF THE BAG!!

me: ugh, that's gross. 

ava: GROSS!

me: SETH! GET AWAY FROM THE DOG FOOD!! (no response) ava, go shut the cupboard door so seth can't get to sam's food anymore.

ava: what door?

me: the door where the food is.

ava: in the bathroom?

me: yes.

ava: you want me to shut it?

me: yes, please.

ava: the cupboard doors?

me: yeah.

ava: both of them at the same time?

me: Yes.

ava: so seth won't be able to eat sam's food anymore?

me: yup.

ava: that's gross. right, mom?

me: ava! go shut those doors!

ava: O-KAY!! i'm doing it!

mother of year. i mean it.

today i got my mom on and made cupcakes. let me just restate that so you can appreciate it fully: I FREAKING MADE CUPCAKES.

now let me help you understand that statement: i am a maker of food, yes. but a maker of cute food? no. cake pops? not my thing. so when i sit down and say, "let's make cupcakes and then let's dye some coconut green and make nests on the top of cupcakes and take cadbury mini eggs and put them in the nests." you know i'm bored. and that maybe i have extra time on my hands? and some weird spurt of creativity that's not getting channeled into anything?

this all thrilled ava to the point of nearly sending her into cardiac arrest. the whole time she was like, WE'RE MAKING NESTS IN THE CUPCAKES? WE'RE PUTTING CANDY ON THE CUPCAKES? CAN I LICK THE BOWL? and i was all, of course you can. and then she nearly killed me with her gratitude. and then i felt like i was the best mom in the world.

what a rush. no wonder there are all of those mothers making cute little sugar cookies every holiday. these holiday treats? they make your children worship you. and here i've been, all this time, trying to get ava to just put on her freaking shoes so we can make it to the doctor's office on time. all i had to do was be like, hey! what if we made a log cabin out of licorice and pretzel sticks to celebrate abraham lincoln's birthday?

instant mother of the year award.

so after an afternoon of a small daughter who put on a little apron with gusto and stirred and tasted and licked and exclaimed with great enthusiasm i was feeling like perhaps i'd solved a few of the planer's problems. and ryan got home and i greeted him at the door with a giant cupcake topped with a mountain of coconut and some cadbury eggs and i was like, GUESS WHAT? I MADE CUPCAKES! AND THEY LOOK LIKE NESTS! WITH EGGS IN THEM!

and ryan smiled and said, "great." except it was like, great, you did something normal. so i pushed that cupcake under his nose and emphasized.

COCONUT NEST. LITTLE EGGS.

and his face barely flickered with interest.

sadly, at this point, my interest also faded and i registered that my huge project, yielding cupcakes covered in food coloring and chocolate had turned my kitchen in to a disaster area. over the next hour of clean up and small children coming off of a sugar high, i remembered why i never got around to making that house out of licorice and pretzel sticks: my children's willingness to worship isn't really worth the effort it takes to get it. maybe next year.

pictures to follow. if i can muster the strength.

what came for me

it has arrived. long awaited, definitely and now that it's here i feel like it's been set in the middle of the hall and i trip over it every time i walk through: much like i trip over sam and buddha wrestling every morning.

sometimes when i think about being a mom i remember scenes from movies that are meant to be comedic; when there are wrestling, running, sticky, messy children and animals EVERYWHERE and the poor mother or overwhelmed visitor is trying to get by and they are stepping over people and things and being bumped against the wall to avoid catastrophe. . . that's how i feel in this little house of ours. every morning i feel as though there are hundreds of children and animals and they are running non-stop with their arms over their heads and screaming and i must somehow make my way around them without getting hurt. sometimes, if i am performing this task especially well, i will be forced to hold something like a basket of laundry or a crying child or a small cat that's about to have his fur trimmed by an eager child with scissors. sometimes, if i am doing that too well, i must walk the course while holding something and having something else hold on to my leg.

more than feeling any sense of outrage or frustration with this situation, i wonder, how do they do that? how do those four little creatures (girl, boy, dog and cat) multiply like that?

so the thing that arrived: it came yesterday and i have been staring at it all day. it was there at eliza's birthday party when i held stephanie's baby boy and he pulled his pacifier out of his mouth and with strict determination rolled it around and around near his tongue, trying to figure out how to get it back in. and i stared at it again when i watched brittany's sweet, sweet little baby with his big dark eyes and his adorable little curl on top of his head and i wished, wished, wished to take more pictures of him.

that's right: i'm baby hungry.

so ryan and i snuck away this afternoon to eat gelato right before dinner (thanks aaron!) and we were supposed to discuss a plan put forth by my chiropractor to cure the back my children have destroyed but instead i answered ryan's question of, "how will we pay for this?" with, "i want a baby."

and ryan raised his eyebrows, paused, and responded the way he responds when i say, "I want a kitten." he said, "you have a baby. his name is seth." (except when i ask for a kitten he says, "you have a kitten. his name is buddha")

and while ryan is correct, because every afternoon seth wakes up from his nap in a complete daze and i hold him on my lap and he rests his cheek against my chest until he feels more alert and then i ask him, "do you want a snack?" and he looks up at me, completely solemn, pulls his pacifier from his mouth and nods the most solemn nod you ever saw. also, he wears footsy pajamas. he sleeps with a blankee. i let him take a bit of a bottle to bed with him at night. he doesn't really talk much (that could be ava. she sort of uses up all the words in the room. no one really gets to talk with her around).

but at the same time, he wants to go outside and play with the other children. he wants to play soccer in the backyard. he wants to play fetch with sam. the other night he wasn't going to sleep in his bedroom. instead he was calling, "Mom? Mom?"

and finally i shouted, "WHAT?"

and he paused, then said, "more?"

and i sighed a deep sigh of frustration because FOR THE LOVE OF PETE CHILD CAN'T YOU JUST GO TO SLEEP ALREADY??? and i shouted, "you want more bottle?"

and again he paused and then he shouted, "yes."

and then i sighed another deep sigh, thrust myself from my cozy spot on the couch and went to his bedroom. where ava was sleeping and seth was standing and smiling and holding his bottle out for me.

i must be crazy. how can i live in the chaos which is my life, how can i attempt a grocery shopping trip which is so much like herding cats that some days i just won't go because i just can't muster the energy, how can i stand to add even more laundry to the abundant piles around me, how can i manage one more nap schedule, entertain one more person, hold one more hand?

and yet i have room for one more. somehow. somewhere. and i'm excited. i anticipate those little hands holding mine after eating a good meal and burping a good burp and seeing those first brand new toothless smiles that are random and so, so beautiful.

obviously, it'll be awhile. i mean, i'm not going to go out and get pregnant tomorrow, but at least i know i'm ready. and that i want it. and also, that i'm crazy. and perhaps, that i have a death wish. but really, is that any sort of surprise?

proud to be mine

so the other night at dinner, we had the missionaries over and we were talking about what time of the day we were born. "i remember what time seth was born exactly," i was saying, "11:58 PM. Just two minutes away from being born the next day," i looked over at that little naked man in his highchair, noodles on his chin, broth in is hair (making it stick up in a sort of haphazard way), and i just couldn't help myself, i started to gush, "and now he's here, my little baby seth," and then seth beamed and looked around at everyone who was looking at him and smiling like he was just so proud. like, yes. i. am! her little baby seth! 

man, this whole parenting thing can be so worth it sometimes.

be still

i forget to be quiet sometimes.

i love my quiet time, but i don't think i've been spending much of it quiet these days. as soon as seth goes down for a nap and as soon as ava is off to play with a friend, or is watching a movie (her "quiet time") i sit down with my long list of items and start moving quickly to check them off.

fold the laundry.
write that email.
start the rolls for dinner tonight.
edit those pictures.

and while i'm working hard, i listen to music, or a podcast, or watch a tv show.

nothing about my "quiet" time is quiet (it's more like "quite a time", haha!).

today, seth woke up from his nap early and ava was still playing with a friend so, in the quiet of our afternoon, we built a train set together, taking up all the room in the middle of the used-to-be clean toyroom/office. and instead, of using the train tracks, seth ran his train up and down my arm, sucking madly on his pacifier.

and i tried to keep my mind quiet about all of the things i could get done in this thursday afternoon stillness, so i closed my eyes and let seth's little train run down my back and i felt the touch his sticky hand on my hair.

this is who i am. 


i am a mom with sticky hair. i recognize the sound of a small boy sucking his pacifier like i recognize the sound of my own heart. this quiet afternoon is mine and i am sharing it with my baby. the same baby i shared my body with, the same baby that reminds me, whether i like it or not, this is the best thing i can be doing with my time.

i know this in my heart, that motherhood is more than "my job" or even "my calling", it is a thing so real and so vital that it is indistinguishable from any other part of me. my eyelash, my heart, my toenail.

thank goodness for those moments when ryan and i were newlywed and we tried to decide about when to start our families, that we didn't wait.

thank goodness for the little mouse and the baby boy who greet me daily and make demands of me all day long.

i'm not their nanny, i'm their mother

i'm talking to a man who one day may hire me for some writing. he says, "so, miriam! what do you do now? are you in school? do you work?"

"no," I answer, "i'm a mother."

he looks shocked. "a mother?" he repeats. "really! how interesting!"

"yeah, i have a three-year-old and a one-year-old at home," i say, with a smile.

his eyes travel to my ring finger where my wedding band is. "oh," he says, "you must be older than you look. i thought you were eighteen."

okay, i know i look young (as does ryan. i think he finally looks like he might be in his twenties now. when ava was first born, i think people suspected him to be a really tall fourteen-year-old) but eighteen? really? should i start wearing some make up maybe?

little white lies

me: so, ava, tell me what you did yesterday while i was gone!

ava: we went to the park and played. then it got dark! and daddy and sethy went home. and i stayed.

ryan: yeah. i let ava walk home from the park. by herself. in the dark. i was like, "come home when you're ready".

ava: yeah. so i did. all by myself.


this is why i'm afraid to let her go to a class by herself. because one time? she told her teacher that "my mom is so mad at my dad but she still loves him".

i can foresee so much embarrassment in my near future.

a long, awkward pause

so teenagers.

its a whole other ballgame with that lot. a ballgame that i've suddenly been plunked right into-- the middle of the seventh inning stretch (that is, if this game is baseball. i have yet to figure that part out. maybe it's just half time? making it football?). i became aware of this new ballgame while trying to understand what kevin's grades might be in school. i thought i just might ask him and then i'd know. all of your mothers of teenagers out there? are you laughing hysterically? can you even read this through your tears? can you believe the amount of innocence i showed? do i have another thing coming or what?

yeah, i know.

something i notice kevin does when he's not all that comfortable with the conversation topic (this is a conversation topic that is about anything serious or responsible): he flops. it's like he's a wet noodle. one minute he's sitting upright and we're all laughing and having a great time, the next he's on the floor and we have to keep checking for a pulse.

"so kevin, what are your grades?" i ask.

flop. pause. finally, "uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .i don't know."

"okay, how many classes are you taking?" i ask.

pause. "uuuuuuhhhhhhh. . ." i detect a slight motion underneath his left eye. "uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh. . .six?"

"how many A's?"

pause. another pause. ANOTHER PAUSE. "none."

"well, that wasn't so hard."

kevin opens his eyes and lifts his head to look at me, "huh?" he asks. i realize he's only talking to me now because i've deviated from the original topic and he's hopeful that we can start talking about twilight or mountain biking or kanye west. well, he's wrong. i remember exactly what we were just talking about and not only that, i'm going to learn from my mistakes. never again will i point out how ridiculous he's being until after the fact.

"never mind. how many B's?"

flop. pause. "uuuuhhhhhhhh. . .one."

"okay good! how many C's?"

i'll spare you the rest of the conversation. just know that it involved long pauses and a lot of flopping.

what am i to do with this kid?

probationary period

kevin doesn't get much mention on this blog because he's a teenager and appearing on some sort of blog is embarrassing. as embarrassing as when i drop him off at school and i hang out of the car window waving goodbye wildly and shouting his name.

if teenagers don't want to be embarrassed then they shouldn't make it so easy.

an introduction of kevin: kevin is one of ryan's young men (he's the leader in charge of the spanish speaking teenage boys at church) who doesn't have a dad (or much of a mom) around and so ryan and i have sort of adopted him. we love him. he loves us, too, but he shows it like a teenager.

so twice now in the last week and a half i've found myself waiting outside some sort of jevenile center with kevin and this experience just BEGS me to spill it on the blog. kevin is currently on academic probation because he accidentally stole his friend's x-box. perhaps i'll tell the story sometime (with kevin's permission, of course). as of now, i will say only that this experience proves the claim that a teenager's frontal lobe is not fully developed and that's why they constantly do stupid things that always end with a parent exclaiming, "what were you thinking?" and the teenager shrugging and answering, "i don't know." BECAUSE THEY REALLY DON'T KNOW.

i'm proud to say that when told the full story i did not ask, "what were you thinking?" instead i said, "dude, kevin. that was like, really, really stupid."

and kevin said, "i know."

well, good. i guess if i were his real mother that would conclude the lecture part of the job and i'd have to move on to the punishment part. good thing he's not really my teenager. this makes hanging out with him more fun.

anyway, juvie: first of all, i had to bring seth because leaving my heavily pregnant friend with both of my children just seems cruel. really, the whole thing was fine, except for the fact that they made us wait THREE AND A HALF HOURS. and i didn't bring enough toys. also, seth pulled his shoes out of the diaper bag right before we left so he didn't have any shoes and there was one security guard who seemed obsessed with the fact that he was shoeless and she was constantly chasing me down and saying, "he can't be on the floor if he doesn't have shoes."

and i was all, "really? shoes are your biggest concern? I'M SITTING NEXT TO A TEENAGE GANG MEMBER WHO'S GOT TEARS TATTOOED ON HIS FACE and you're worried that my baby is shoeless???" actually, all i said was, "we've been waiting for two hours and i can't keep him on my--"

and then she cut me off. "he can't be on the floor."

so i got mad. and i picked seth up and said, "at all?"

"AT ALL."

and then my inner teenager reared her ugly head and i rolled my eyes in a way that only my mom has seen and she saw it when i was seventeen and then she grounded me (and then i wrote this really clever poem about being grounded and it was genius). since this security officer deals with awful teenagers all day every day she wasn't phased in the least.

then i did what any rotten teenager would do: i went around the corner and did whatever i wanted. except i wasn't snorting coke lines, i was letting my baby down so he wouldn't drive me crazy AND I THINK I SHOULD GET EXTRA POINTS FOR THAT.

seriously, though, i didn't think much about where i was actually going. i walked in, walked through the metal detector and sat down only to look over and see some kid next to me in super baggy clothes with a shaved head and all sorts of tattoos and i realized for the first time that i was surrounded by future criminals. and then i was just dying to  ask everyone i made eye contact with why they were there. and what was it like to be in a gang? and do you normally "carry" when not expected to appear in court and walk through a metal detector? and also, did you have to buy that collared shirt and tie just for today's court appearance? is that your girlfriend outside? the pregnant one that's smoking?

guess what? the day before kevin and i sat in that awful waiting room for three and a half hours i cried a little because i'm not doing a very good job being a mother. i'm not spending enough quality time with them, i'm not eating enough healthy food, i'm not doing the laundry fast enough. . .

and now? now i feel great! i'm an excellent mother! i've never been arrested! i've never had a probation officer! i am amazing! should you ever feel that you are not doing a good job as a parent, i would urge you to show your face at juvie. you will walk out of there feeling totally on top of things.

best moment of the day was when a father and his daughter (i would guess she's about 13) show up and, while waiting, are briefed by an attorney. i, of course, listened in as carefully as i could.

the attorney: . . .you should contact the probation officer before you go-

the father: oh, i just got of the phone with him. i'm seeing him thursday morning.

the attorney (pointing to the daughter): her probation officer.

and i thought, OF COURSE YOU HAVE A PROBATION OFFICER!

like i said, i am doing an amazing job.

remembering

sometimes i forget about the important stuff and i get caught up in the silly stuff. and you know what? the silly stuff is lame.

reminder: this is what's important. and sometimes that means that we just sit in bed all morning and read stories.

and that's okay.

why is it, that after every bath my children take the bathroom looks as if they bathed outside the bath instead of in it?

things seth did this weekend

1. dragging his blankee through the pile of dust, crumbs, cheerios, leaves, dirt, etc. that i'd swept into a nice pile on my kitchen floor. he did this on purpose. i know because he giggled.

2. helping my mother in law by grabbing glass items and running away with them. this was also done on purpose. i know because again, he giggled.

3. NOT hiking on the trail but instead, hiking anywhere else. like, the creek. or the poison oak. and guess what? he giggled the whole time. i think we can guess what that means. . .

4. collecting sticks and sword fighting with anyone else who happened to be holding a stick. or any bush that had sticks poking out of it.

5. dropping ryan's keys in the toilet. we can't be sure if he did this on purpose because ryan didn't discover it for a few hours and seth was asleep at the time of discovery. but, after living what we lived through with him this weekend, my guess is that yeah, it was on purpose.

6. also, this isn't so much as a story to tell, but more of a daily, no, hourly, occurrence in my life: he won't hold my hand. i mean, WON'T HOLD MY HAND. as in, would rather die than hold my hand. there is no way to guide that boy. i spend an awkward amount of time chasing and then an awkward amount of time trying to hold the wriggling, wiggling boy child who can sure kick well.

boys! they are a completely foreign substance and i find myself chasing after him with a growing feeling of desperation. how long can this possibly last? perhaps i've just discovered the reason why i am so tired all the time:

i'd offer you a view from the front, but it is a side of him i see seldom these days.

ladies and genteleman, may i introduce you to. . .

the wrath of a 3-year-old. you parents of children who are wide eyed in amazement at the wrath of your 2-year-old? SIT DOWN. seriously. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

so we go to a local pizza place to have some fun monday family time and when we have to go, ava freaks. like, she's really mad. the most amazing part of this story, however, is the fact that once we got home, she was still mad. as i went to open her door she fiercely reached over and held it shut saying through clenched teeth, "i'm. not. getting. out."

and i just stood there, trying to figure out what was going on. then i threatened to remove her myself. then i carried out my threat and she pedaled her legs madly in the air (as if that would stop me!). and then, once in the house, she stayed mad. perhaps there are parents out there who are laughing at my innocence, but let me tell you, she's never acted like this in her life. only a week ago i would have described her as easy going. but now? i don't even know where to begin! when asked to describe the girl i simply say, "she has blonde hair and blue eyes." because that, at least, is true no matter what is happening.

naturally, once indoors, ryan and i documented the moment with camera. because when you're child is holding a grudge toward you for the first time, what else are you supposed to do?

kids these days, i tell you what. . .

that's just the way it goes

thursday was a bad day. it started with three things: 1) seth cried non stop when he fell and would not be appeased. this meant that he was still sick. we've been sick in this house of ours for almost two weeks and i have had it UP TO HERE with the sickness around here! 2) SOMEONE emptied and disorganized my drawer that contains ziploc bags, saran wrap and tin foil. now that drawer is impossible to open or close. so i freaked out, threw the rawer open, threw all of the ziploc bags out and on to the floor and maybe swore them to death. 3) ava came in with a stern look on her face and asked, "mommy, what is wrong with you?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME: i have two small children. i spend my days in a house that i clean. REPEATEDLY. the laundry keeps needing to be done, the floor keeps needing to be swept and FOR THE LOVE OF PETE PEOPLE WHO KEEPS UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER ON TO THE FLOOR???

so i called up my friend crystal who also has two small children i half-whined half-shouted HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?? THESE CHILDREN ARE CRAZY AND THIS HOUSEWORK IS AWFUL AND I'M TIRED AND. . .

and crystal, in her great wisdom, asked me, "well, what do you like about mothering seth and ava?"

well, i had to really think about that. and i've been thinking about it all evening.

what i love about mothering ava: last night ryan took seth to his mutual activity (youth night) and it was just ava and me. we went to jo ann's to get some stuff for her halloween costume, then we went to my parent's house. on the way home, we sang songs together. i really love that. i really love the moments when i'm able to focus my energy on her and soak her in. i loved watching her long little legs kick in time with the song, her hand flatly brush her hair from her face, her eyes wander at the sights through the window as we sang the alphabet, the twinkle, twinkle little star song, the sunbeam song. . .

i love doing crafts with her. coloring, gluing, painting, cutting things out, making necklaces and bracelets. . .i love spending that time observing her concentration and creativity.

i love reading her books. i love listening to her observe the world around her and remark on it. i love cooking with her. i love watching her play with seth.

i hate doing her hair. (sorry, i guess i couldn't stop myself)

what i love about mothering seth: i love that he still needs me. the other night he woke up crying (damn sickness!) and i got him out of bed and rocked him for a few minutes. did you know he doesn't really fit anymore? i mean, the kid rests his head on my shoulder and not only does his little body trail off of my lap because he's so tall, but it hurts after a little while. but he still wants to snuggle, still finds comfort in resting along my body, his little hand resting on the back of my neck.

i love that seth makes this squished up face when he walks around. i love that he loves to eat meat and potatoes and all other things unhealthy. i love that he wants to carry a wooden spoon, a pen, a regular spoon or a stick with him at all times.

i love reading seth books. i love that he sits very still and listens carefully and then very gently, with his sweet little pointer finger, he points and points and points and says, "GAAA?" oh, i love that.

so, good news: i don't really hate being a mother and i have my friend crystal to thank for that. but being a mother is really, really hard. and i'm grateful for other mothers who can nod their sympathies, offer small words of encouragement and give me a hug when i need it. and that includes my own mother.

walk it out

so, boychild is a walker. he's been flirting with the idea for about a month now, taking steps when forced, but not really all that willing unless someone was really cheering him on. and then, one day, he found one his favorite things in a suitcase: toothbrushes. anything that is long and thin (think stick or sword) is his favorite item. he will grab on to these things and keep them for hours at a time. well, this time, he had two. and they were making it hard to crawl. so he tried walking. and guess what? he could walk AND hold on to his toothbrushes and that meant he could easily make it to a safe hiding spot and hold those toothbrushes and chew on those toothbrushes for as long as he wanted. sadly for him, he's not all that sneaky. so i saw the whole thing. which meant that he didn't get to sit in a corner and suck the remnants of my toothpaste off my toothbrush. it meant that i gently took them away and attempted to replace them with a wooden spoon. and as i walked away, it meant that he followed me bi-ped style with tears in his eyes.

it is ridiculous how proud i feel when i see him walk. i'm like one of those moms who gets on her blog and says the same things over and over again about how great her kids are.

oh my gosh. i am one of those moms.

how embarrassing.

well, in the spirit of being one of those moms, let me just move right in to the typical ramblings of a proud mother:

seeing him walk is amazing. seeing him walk to the part of the room where his blankee is, pick it up and stumble away can almost take my breath away. i mean, that used to be in my womb. MY WOMB!! and now look at him: he's sneaking off into corners with my toothbrush, he's using a spoon with such abandon that nothing actually makes it to his mouth, but instead it's on the floor. and now, we have ants. again. and i hate ants.

now that he's a full-fledged walker (the spanish branch missionaries call him "zombie"), things are not safe. before we were baby-proof, but now we need to be toddler-proof. and i just want to throw my hands in the air and shout, but i just DID the baby-proofing! will you just slow down and let me do something else other than fight to keep you alive in your own bedroom?

and now, because of this new found freedom, my 50mm lens, which you might recall is my absolute favorite lens, has been snapped. because someone pulled a whole pile of books off of a side table and the camera was on top of the books and NOW i have no 50mm lens. did i mention it was my favorite? i did? well, did i also mention that i just started really taking photography seriously and part of that is taking pictures of other people and that lens was sort of vital to that whole cause? how about the fact that when it comes to photography, i have a budget of ZERO dollars.

so i did what any desperate would-be photographer does: i packed up any and all photography equipment i don't use, went to my two favorite photography stores, one of which is a guy who can fix almost anything and sells a lot of secondhand stuff and i worked a deal.

but i digress. back to the whole mom thing.

have you ever seen anything so cute in all your life?

teen choice awards

there's been an awful lot of lazy mothering going on around here lately. i'm really excited for this next week because it is the week i wrestle all of those bad habits into submission.

for example: betime. for some reason, it's just easier to let the kids stay up late rather than fight the epic battle of rounding them up, putting diapers on them, brushing their teeth, saying prayers, reading stories, singing songs, tucking them in, kissing them goodnight. . .

i am exhausted by the list. but it doesn't matter. this. week. is. the. week.

last week i did all sorts of things like buying soda. i know. and drinking it. i know. and letting seth eat his breakfast cereal off the floor. i know. and i wasn't really all that into cleaning the house. instead, i took off with my friend heather and went to take pictures of celebrities at the gifting suite for the teen choice awards. heather went early and set up the table with her true birds and bumpits stuff and i came later with lunch (avocado sandiwches and water that had negative ions in it. guess what? that water tastes just like the water with the positive ions in it. bummer. i was hoping a lack of ions was going to lead to something spectactular. like levitating) and my camera. and then they came. in throngs (not to be confused with thongs). and i had no idea who any of them were until CARLTON from fresh prince of bel air came by. and for some reason, i all i wanted to do was giggle and dance the carlton dance which caused me to wonder, WHY DO I REMEMBER THAT DANCE? i mean, i went to college and do i remember half of what i experienced in college? not at all! so why on EARTH am i looking at some short man with a pencil mustache and remembering some really cheesy (and awful) dance he did on a television show when i was a preteen?

so heather and i stood there until someone came up with an expectant look on their face and heather and i would suddenly gow expectant and we'd all just stare at eachother until they said, "HI."

and we'd reply, "HI."

and then we'd wait. for something. like, for example, your name? who you are? do we even care about you? should we give you this bump it so you can walk around with a really funny looking fake bump on the back of your head?

my favorite was a girl who walked up and said, "HI. I'M ________ from ________." and i honestly had no idea what she was talking about. so i just sort of stood there, awkwardly holding my camera in one hand and wondering how i respond.

do i say, "good for you"? or "hi. i'm miriam from miriam's life."

good thing heather was there. she immediately became enthusiastic and cheered this girl on, asking her about her character and encouraging her in the way of bump its. then this girl left and, had i not known better, i would have thought them long lost friends. so i said, "who was that?" and heather shrugged and said, "i don't know." it was a good lesson to learn. i think i improved from there on out.

that girl was really cute, by the way. i just have no idea what to say to people who introduce themselves in a way that screams, PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD OF ME?

so i spent an afternoon childless and meeting the entire cast of hannah montana (except for the hannah montana character herself) and watching the best boy band in the world, WOW do their brightly colored polo shirt thing and feeling slightly glamorous, even though nothing glamorous actually happened. i mean, did i mention carlton from fresh prince of bel air? perhaps it was just the high of not having something clinging to my pant leg. i mean, that feeling that at any moment i might be able to walk about the room without having to detach myself from something rather mollusk-like in its attachments? liberating.

then i went home and changed seths poopy diaper and wrestled ava into pajamas, prayers and songs and put both of them to bed far later than i should have. funny thing about being amongst all of those expectant people is the fact that it made me miss the other expectanct people in my life. i mean, i practically walked in the door to find ava with a list of expectations. for example, feed me was written down, oh, about thirty times. of course, i fed her. then i hugged her tightly and demanded that she stop eating her hair. because that's gross.

i like having the opportunity to miss the little people. i also like spending time in awkward conversations where the person speaking thinks i'm really impressed with them while meanwhile my mind is racing as i struggle to figure out what the hell she's talking about. but also, and this really needs mentioning, i really love spending time with heather. when we saw who we deduced to be barry bonds wife, we stuck our heads together, widened our eyes and just as heather began what i can only imagine was some juicy tidbit about mrs. bonds, i interrupted her to whisper and dramatically gesture that barry's daughter was right behind her. and then heather closed her mouth, widened her eyes a bit more, so i could widen mine in return and wonder for the rest of my life what she was going to say. i'll bet it was good. but i gave it up for heather! i am such a good friend.

oh, and that band WOW? wow. really, wow. look 'em up. (hint: enter the keywords WOW boy band because i just learned that wow stands for world of warcraft and guess what? there's like a million world of warcraft videos out there. i know.)

also, i think it's about time i subscribed to us weekly because who knows how many celebrities i've bumped into and instead of gasping and knowing what kind of toothpaste they use, i wonder why in the heck this person has a freaking entourage and how can i get rid of them?

ava and me in a public restroom

ava: i want to go in that one!

me: okay, but DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.

(pause)

me: DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

(pause)

me: Ava! I said, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!

Ava: O-KAY!

me: Ava, don't touch anything.

Ava: there are other people going potty in here. i can hear them going potty.

(pause)

Ava: Mom? I can hear them going potty.

(pause)

Ava: Pewww! I can smell them going potty! it smells bad! gross! ewww! gross! Peeewwww! yucky!

me: Don't touch anything.

ava: I think that person went poopy. it's gross to smell it.

me: Don't touch anything. AVA! DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

ava: Sorry, mom!

Do I really need to end this post with the following? sometimes i really wish we were still in diapers. especially when i'm crouched down in the beach public restrooms that stink to high heaven, i have seth strapped to my back and he is doing everything short of killing me to touch the toilet paper roll.

yeah, those days when i simply stuck ava in the trunk to wrestle her out of that nasty old diaper and into a fresh new one? loved it. LOVED IT. i just didn't know it yet. seths' going to be old enough to go to the bathroom unattended before i let him put on those big boy pants. because frankly, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

where i was on monday

my mother is ill.

well, she's always ill. the nurse was doing her best to offer comfort by suggesting happily that instead of being bummed about having to sit around bored in the hospital all day, she could get some things done. you know, all the things you want to get done by all that life gets in the way? this would have been a happy thought except my mother's been having health problems for so long now that all those projects have been completed and what she really wants to do is her own laundry. i pointed this out. i think now the nurse thinks i am a bad daughter.

i'm not. i'm a speaking the truth kind of daughter.

so she's ill. and this time, it's more than the normal. you'd think that the other times i'd been in the hospital room and watched them insert her IV, or changed her bandages or watched them test her blood sugar i'd be used to it all. but today, i felt ill myself. i wanted a hospital bed of my own to sort of lie down in and pull the covers over my head.

"wake me up when she's able to go home." i wanted to say.

instead i watched the ct scan (something i learned: ct scan and cat scan are the same thing) where the machine ordered my mother to breathe and then not to breathe and then to breathe again. they had me sit in a corner and had my mother lift her arms over her head.

i cried.

i'm not sure why. except this: my mother means so much to me. did you know she has the same sense of humor as me? and we think alike. one time my mother, my father and i were in the kitchen talking and making food. my mother said something semi-snide and my father swatted me with a wooden spoon.

"what was that for?" i asked, surprised.

"you shouldn't say such things." he scolded.

i laughed. "that was your wife, not me!"

unfairly, he did not then turn and swat my mother with the wooden spoon. lesson: it pays to sleep with the boss.

no one looked at me when i cried. i was grateful, because i knew the second someone acknowledged my tears was the second i fell apart, right there in the ct/cat scan room, where the technician was teasing my mother about the cocktail she had to drink beforehand (do not let the name "cocktail" confuse you about the quality of this drink. i smelled it and it was foul).

"there's some more available in the gift shop!" he said.

but as i sat there in my corner all by myself, feeling very young as i used the sleeves of my sweatshirt to swipe my eyes, i felt so alone.

i really love my mom. when things like this happen, i remember that she's mortal. the very thought is a trial. i would be so lost without her, i love her so very, very much.

i am surprised that when things are more difficult, when more is on the line, my faith is so small.

an for all of those who would ask, she broke her foot about three weeks ago but because of her diabetes she couldn't really feel it and continued to walk on it. this led to infection and swelling, which started off in her foot and ended up in her abdomen. that's when my mom went to the emergency room. she is anemic (terribly anemic), diabetic, has low blood pressure (very low blood pressure), has a low supply of blood, has a great deal of infection and has a thing in her heart to keep it from skipping beats and then racing.

my dad likes to say that her body is the equivalent to the elite republican guard and his body is the equivalent to the marine corps. then we laugh.

motherhood

this morning ava wanted braids. "two braids," she told me, turning her back so i could brush her hair.

later, when we were at the park swinging on the swings, i looked over at her and saw this girl pumping her little legs, wearing her little braids and i was just so struck by her.

i am her mother.

then i looked down at seth, who was trying to eat the chain the swing was attached to, and i saw his little chubby fists, his little row of white teeth growing in (thus the attempted chewing on evrything) and again, i was just so struck.

this mothering gig is the most experience of my life, it is so consuming. and i am just so grateful i've been able to experience it. it is so fulfilling, so challenging, so exhausting, so lovely.

and so we sat on the swings, ava looking up at the sky and telling me about the babboon and his red bottom and me trying to keep seth from falling off the swing. it was good. i was their mother and they were my children.

it was a little moment and it was a good one.