the ipod vs my raw talent

on sunday i played the sacrament hymn at church. even though i took lessons when i was younger (a lot younger), i have always avoided playing in front of other people. my hands shake and i can't seem to understand the notes that i'm seeing--i can't even remember how the song goes! when you combine those memories with the fact that i haven't been actively playing the piano since i was about seventeen, perhaps you'll understand why my smile was completely fake and frozen when the president of the spanish branch, out of pure desperation (obviously) asked me to por favor, por favor, POR FAVOR pull out that old "hymns made easy" and play a couple so we can stop using the ipod?

so i begrudgingly schlepped myself up to my parent's house, ignored my mother and all of the visiting we could have done and played the same simplified version of "In Humility Our Savior" over and over and over again. to the point that ava politely asked, "do you know any other songs, mommy?"

i only managed to play it all the way through without a single mistake once before saturday. and my husband, bless his heart, stood there smiling and said, "it sounds great."

what a nice man.

and of course, sunday came all too soon and i got to the piano and was so nervous i couldn't figure out how to even find the music holder until my brother (who helped me out by playing the first and the third hymn) came along and showed me how to do it. and also encouraged me to play louder. "so they can, you know, hear you." he said.

of course, my moment came all too quickly. and of course, i was so nervous i forgot to pay attention and they announced the sacrament hymn and then everyone got out their books and THEN i put two and two together and hopped up to rush up to the piano. of course, i messed up. and of course, no one really cared. and it was just as terrifying as i imagined it would be. was i playing too fast? too slow? where were my fingers? where was the music? where were the notes? why was i doing this? IS THIS RIDICULOUS OR WHAT?

and mercifully, it ended and i slunk off that bench and sank into the pew just behind it to hide out until the sacrament was over. i didn't really want to look up to see the pitying looks from the congregation, but i looked up anyway.

and ryan was looking right at me. and he smiled and wiggled his eyebrows. and despite the fact that i'd just disgraced myself in front of an entire branch, i smiled back.

to me, that is the most important thing about my marriage. it isn't the romance, the laughter, the sex, the cute pictures, the family dinners, the presents, cards or letters. it's the fact that when i have something hard to do, i look up and ryan is there, smiling and wiggling his eyebrows.

this thought never crossed my mind until sunday. isn't that awful?

now i'm just waiting on that phone call from presidente where he's all, por favor, hermana, POR FAVOR NEVER play again. the ipod will work just fine from now on.

fingers crossed.