that's right; journaling purposes. allow me to warn you: this could be long. really long.
for awhile now, i have been struggling. i can't say it was postpartum, i don't even know if it was depression. anxiety maybe? i know there were a couple times when i thought perhaps i needed to see a therapist for some kind of relief from the constant inability to function with motivation or interest or energy.
the worst part was feeling a loss of identity. the fact that i mattered. it was as if ava's endless requests and seth's constant cries for attention were smothering me. smothering me to the point that i wasn't even paying attention to myself anymore. i was exhausted, bored, irritable and unmotivated. i mean, not all the time, but enough of the time that it was a problem. maybe it's having two kids. maybe it's starting a business. maybe it's letting myself drift away from friends. or not exercising enough. or. . .
it doesn't matter. i was frustrated. and the more frustrated i become, the more pressure i put on myself to do things right and the less i relaxed and enjoyed my life. it was becoming this awful cycle and it was spinning me thicker and thicker into a tangle.
so when ryan pointed out our anniversary at the end of the year, i thought maybe we could get away. for a whole weekend, i could unravel, unwind, let go, sigh and sit back--sleep in! it was going to be heaven, i had all sorts of things planned--and then we realized that things weren't going to work out. the thought of that weekend slipping away almost sent me into hysterics. ryan salvaged things by arranging for his parents to take over for a day.
so we had a day. we went mountain biking (terrifying and fun and hard all at the same time) and we climbed on the rocks at the beach, we ate at a seafood place we've been going to since we first started dating, we went to see avator on the imax 3d screen, we ate chocolate molten cake at chili's. i showered without a single person coming in and urging me to "hurry up and get out" or inform me that "seth dropped his shoes in the toilet" or wondering "what are you doing in there? showering? washing? shaving?"
this day was wonderful for many reasons.
1. no one sat next to me while we were eating with their mouth wide open. also, i didn't have to look down at my plate and figure out how to feed someone else with a minimum of mess.
2. once i got used to the feeling of flying around a dirt road on a bike, avoiding rocks, ditches, gopher holes and brush, i got to think. and you know what i realized? i should relax. i should enjoy my children. i should enjoy what i have when i have it and where i have it. and right now, i have two small children that really like to hang out with me. and we love to do things like go to the beach and hike and go to the zoo and go to the park. and i can do those things! i should do those things. if i focus on the fun of being a mother and i let myself have that fun, it is fun. right now, the most important work i have is motherhood. if i put that first, i can do this! and not only that, but i can do it well.
3. ryan is still my best friend. and to be able to talk and talk and then get to the place where we drive along in the sunshine just holding hands and listening to music, that's heavenly. saturday was a day that included perfectly comfortable and relaxed pauses in conversation. and laughter. a lot of laughter.
4. i love the beach.
5. i love being outside.