oh baby

friday (at fourteen weeks) i finally went to the doctor. this has become a sort of joke with some of the girls at church. they kept asking me how far along i was and what the doctor i was seeing and i kept telling them i had no doctor (because i wanted a midwife and i was waiting for one to drop by one day and tell me she was mine) and as far as i could tell (and as far as those internet pregnancy ticker things could tell) i was x number of weeks along. and then they'd say these things:

"you need to see a doctor!"

"how have you not called a doctor?"

"miriam, you are so funny!" (this is what people say to me when they don't understand me. often it means that they think i'm behaving oddly. i think they say funny because they can't say weird. that might hurt my feelings.)

so i finally buckled down, called a doctor, was referred to another doctor and was referred, finally, to my current doctor. and i like her. she is nice. and she makes me feel relaxed. and she didn't like the idea of giving birth at home any more than i do (for clarification, i don't like the idea of giving birth at home because of the WHAT IF? factor).

the best part was having an ultrasound. you know what? there's a baby inside of me. and he/she is just little. but he/she looks like a baby! and it is the most miraculous thing in the world. it put all of this pregnancy stuff into perspective. and you know what i kept thinking as i watched that little baby wave at the camera (yeah, this one's going to be a ham, just like his/her older sister)? it's amazing that it's happening to me again. i mean everything involved in pregnancy is so intricate. all of these cells put so much into us. ava started out small enough to fit on the head of a pin and all of this growing happened and here she is, skipping around our apartment with an easter basket and telling us "NOOOO!" when we ask her if she would like a snack. and my body is doing it again, it's creating this baby that (so far) is healthy and strong, and just where he/she should be, rolling around, a pumping heart. . .

i'm in awe of the human body. i don't know how you couldn't be when you watch one be created.

i have ultrasound pictures on my fridge. they are blurry blobs of varying gray, white and black. when i show people i say, "that black spot? that's the eye. and that white line? that's the spine. and those white dots? those are fingers. oh that gray thing? i have no idea." it doesn't matter. i show those ultrasound pictures to whoever stops by the house. i'm so proud of my new baby. i'm so in love already.