happy birthday, boy child

a year ago today i was sitting on a hospital bed trying to breathe through pitocin-induced contractions that wracked my body with an ache that was so deep i couldn't actually breathe through it. we were trying everything--except the epidural. my mom was massaging my head and then brushing the hair from my face and ryan was pushing against my knees and then pushing against the small of my back and suggesting after almost every contraction a walk--that helped with ava, right? finally i gave in and got the epidural, cursing my doctor's name with every breath. with ava everything had been natural and i'd really loved it. i'd loved the experience of feeling myself accomplish something difficult and here i was with seth, who had been induced and feeling so frustrated because i knew what my body could do and it wasn't doing it. but that epidural was the best thing ever. everything got quiet when i couldn't feel the contractions anymore and i had time to mentally prepare for the pushing (pushing is particularly hard for me because this is the part that scares me the most) and i had time to get rid of all the anger and think of the baby i'd been carrying those past months. and ryan gave me a blessing, which helped also. i have a feeling this is the only baby i'll be able to prepare for in this way since i plan on never being induced again. so when seth was born, i was ready for him. i wanted to hold him, i helped lift him to my chest, i rubbed the vernix into his skin, i talked to him. it was such a special moment, such a sweet moment to soak in. i remember thinking he was the most beautiful thing in the world (and then i looked back on those pictures and i was surprised to see how utterly terrifying he looked). so, it's been a year. i know it's flown by for other people because they ask me if seth is six months old and i have to inform them that no, it's already been a year. no one has ever appreciated me like seth does. he holds me, he misses me, he seeks after my company, he needs me, he wants to be with me at all times. and i want to love every little minute of it. even when all he wants is to scream and cry in my arms and i am exhausted from him flopping around. because do you know what the depressing thing about sons is? they go away forever. girls don't really go away forever, they just get married. but they still need you, they still want you, they still seek after your company as the main woman in their life. sons replace you with wives. and the mothers have to let them do it. so i know that seth is only going to be mine as long as he doesn't have a wife. and, judging by how fast this year has flown, i'm guessing that time is going to come all too soon. oh, how i will miss him. and oh, how i love him. happy birthday, boy child. thanks for coming.