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so the first time i ever saw ryan, he was dressed sort of like this (minus the glasses) and he had this really intense gaze and he just. . .looked at me. and it made me feel important. or relevant. or special? pretty? i haven't actually figured it out yet. i do know that i liked the way i felt when he looked at me and when i took this picture, i was reminded of it and i just had to do SOMETHING. the person closest to me was hernan, so i grabbed him and shouted, "ISN'T HE THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN?!?" he said nothing, which led me to realize that what i have suspected all this time to be true: i am the only one who gets giddy when ryan looks at her. two thoughts upon this realization:

1. how sad for you.

2. hooray for me.

dear internet,

i wish you a happy thanksgiving. also, i wish you lots of peace and joy all the time, not just in this holiday season. and i want you to know that i'm thankful. really, i am.

love,

me.

hernan is here and we are full of cheer!

went to the beach yesterday. oh. my. gosh. it was perfect. PERFECT. amazingly, beautiful, wonderful and perfect. i'm never leaving california. never. not even for a house with a barn and a greenhouse.

things seth did this weekend

1. dragging his blankee through the pile of dust, crumbs, cheerios, leaves, dirt, etc. that i'd swept into a nice pile on my kitchen floor. he did this on purpose. i know because he giggled.

2. helping my mother in law by grabbing glass items and running away with them. this was also done on purpose. i know because again, he giggled.

3. NOT hiking on the trail but instead, hiking anywhere else. like, the creek. or the poison oak. and guess what? he giggled the whole time. i think we can guess what that means. . .

4. collecting sticks and sword fighting with anyone else who happened to be holding a stick. or any bush that had sticks poking out of it.

5. dropping ryan's keys in the toilet. we can't be sure if he did this on purpose because ryan didn't discover it for a few hours and seth was asleep at the time of discovery. but, after living what we lived through with him this weekend, my guess is that yeah, it was on purpose.

6. also, this isn't so much as a story to tell, but more of a daily, no, hourly, occurrence in my life: he won't hold my hand. i mean, WON'T HOLD MY HAND. as in, would rather die than hold my hand. there is no way to guide that boy. i spend an awkward amount of time chasing and then an awkward amount of time trying to hold the wriggling, wiggling boy child who can sure kick well.

boys! they are a completely foreign substance and i find myself chasing after him with a growing feeling of desperation. how long can this possibly last? perhaps i've just discovered the reason why i am so tired all the time:

i'd offer you a view from the front, but it is a side of him i see seldom these days.

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so buddha's like, "well i've been here for awhile and i was thinking about having a party. you know, to show off my moves."

and i said, "you have moves?"

and then he did the running man with such precision i actually thought he was a running man.

weekly mouse

this is ava going down the driveway. it's not everyday you see enthusiasm like that.

weekly guy

this week we spent a lot of time riding bikes down the driveway. seth watched ava do it once, pushed his little car up to the top, climbed on and pushed off. i was both terrified and impressed. he was thrilled.

cinnamon rolls

it is during seth's naptime and ava and i are making cinnamon rolls. this thrills ava. she asks lots of questions, insist on pouring everything, asks more questions, repeats everything i am saying, etc. finally, to get a few moments of peace, i hand her a lump of dough and let her have at it. this does the trick, the girl child keeps her mouth shut and concentrates very hard. after a few moments, i glance over to see how she's doing. well, she's eaten her dough. and now, having nothing else to do, she is casually dumping handfuls of flour on to the floor. THE FLOOR.

"ava!" i shriek, "what are you doing? you are making a big mess!" grumpily, i get her down and sulkily, she watches me from the other side of the room where she will stand long enough for me to know that being mean thing? that stopping her from doing whatever her little heart wishes? SHE IS NOT FORGETTING THAT.

finally i finish, put the rolls in the oven to rise and turn to the enormous mess of flour across my kitchen floor. to drive a point home i say, "now i have to sweep this up because SOMEBODY made a huge mess."

ava is interested now. she eyes the floor without emotion and then asks, "you mean me?"

i have no words. only thoughts. none of which are polite.

uh, yeah. i do.

some early morning thoughts

things were quiet this morning. i sat in the middle of the couch in the middle of my clean living room and i got to read and write and think. everything was so still around me, even buddha was sleeping. of course, every five minutes i heard ryan's snooze alarm go off and then the sound of his repeatedly pushing the snooze button and then quiet again.

and then, suddenly, everyone was awake. ava was dancing naked in the hallway, singing a song and cheering for the new day. ryan was calling out for her to pick up her overnight diaper and throw it in the trash. the shower was starting. seth was crying because i wouldn't let him take his blankee into the bath. buddha was protesting ava's attempts at getting him into the tub, i was calling out for her to "stop! leave the cat alone!"

just two children is so noisy, so active. i can't only imagine what my mother was doing with six children (well, i can remember hearing the sound of my brothers running down the hall laughing and screaming at 6 in the morning, labrador in tow. and then WHAM! all of them hit my bedroom door with all of their weight because apparently, it is more fun to slam your body into a door than to simply turn and continue running toward the kitchen).

the other night we were having dinner and somehow, in order for me to tell ryan about my day or the other way around, we had to yell over ava and seth. you'd think that with all that food to put in their mouths they'd be quiet and concentrate on that, but somehow, that isn't the case. and the noise is impressive. it reminds me of a family dinner at my parents house where recently my mother was placed between two of my brothers. suddenly she stood and shouted, "the volume! the volume!" all the while moving her hands in a gesture that i can only describe as being the opposite of raising the roof. everyone stopped, blinked a few times, then continued right on with the yelling.

so those rare mornings when i'm actually awake enough to brave the cold and slither out of bed and into some very attractive knee-high socks, i feel like a lucky girl. it is quiet and i am alive to hear it.

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hey look! another old building!

ladies and genteleman, may i introduce you to. . .

the wrath of a 3-year-old. you parents of children who are wide eyed in amazement at the wrath of your 2-year-old? SIT DOWN. seriously. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

so we go to a local pizza place to have some fun monday family time and when we have to go, ava freaks. like, she's really mad. the most amazing part of this story, however, is the fact that once we got home, she was still mad. as i went to open her door she fiercely reached over and held it shut saying through clenched teeth, "i'm. not. getting. out."

and i just stood there, trying to figure out what was going on. then i threatened to remove her myself. then i carried out my threat and she pedaled her legs madly in the air (as if that would stop me!). and then, once in the house, she stayed mad. perhaps there are parents out there who are laughing at my innocence, but let me tell you, she's never acted like this in her life. only a week ago i would have described her as easy going. but now? i don't even know where to begin! when asked to describe the girl i simply say, "she has blonde hair and blue eyes." because that, at least, is true no matter what is happening.

naturally, once indoors, ryan and i documented the moment with camera. because when you're child is holding a grudge toward you for the first time, what else are you supposed to do?

kids these days, i tell you what. . .

raise the roof, he was born 28(!!!) years ago

this man.

and may i just say, at the risk of boring you to death, that this man is my favorite thing about my life so far?

it's more than love. it's more about your sweetheart being your best friend or your best friend being your sweetheart, it's more than "because two people fell in love", it's more than feeling butterflies when i see him, or laughing at all his jokes. . .

it's that steadiness. that manliness. it's his inability to shut the closet door, or hang up his own towel and yet be bothered by the fact that my towel is on the floor. it's the fact that i can trust him implicitly. it's the fact that i hold him in the highest esteem.

he is a good man. and i can lean on him.

and also, he knows all three seasons of arrested development by heart and can find a quote to apply to any situation we may be in and that always makes me laugh.

manly, happy birthday.

and chris and kristine? well done. seriously. you raised a doozy of a man. and that's why, when you're really old and senile and you're constantly loosing your teeth and trying to wander the neighborhood in only your diaper, i'm going to take care of you. with a smile on my face. although, if you're also shouting at your neighbors about conspiracy theories and accusing them of attempting to take down government, that won't be too hard (maybe that won't happen).

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ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you. . . b boy buddha pest for those of you who would like to know what a b boy is (hi dad!), allow me to direct you to the wikipedia page.

it'd be plagiarism if i didn't write this

so, the halloween costumes. aren't they cute?

i have to admit, my mom and my sister are mostly responsible for that. i bought the most difficult patterns i could find (by accident, of course. i just happen to be attracted to the most complex or the most expensive of anything. it's a curse) and then i pinned and cut out the lion pattern. then everyone got sick and my mother sewed everything.

all i did was cut out the ribbons and sew them on. until my mom and i thought about it for a minute, realized that seth wasn't going to be able to reach the ribbons in the back of the hood and we glued them on.

so i didn't really do all that much, my mom did.

and isn't she amazing???

we made forts. and then played in them. all. day. long.

introducing. . .a baby cat

ryan and i watched home videos on sunday night. in them we saw our cat, zuma, who was the recipient of all our parental energies due to the fact that he existed before ava and seth. then he ran away. since we live where we live, he was probably eaten by coyotes, but perhaps, just perhaps, he found a nice farm family up north and is spending his days catching field mice and bopping them on the head.

i think he probably is.

so after watching that cat sniff a brand new ava with suspicion, i went on craigslist. and found an ad. for free kittens. so ryan came home from work and i opened my mouth and ryan said, "uh oh. what is it?"

yeah, he knows me.

so i talked really fast, batted my eyes and threw in a charming smile for extra measure. and ryan laughed and said, "sure. get a cat."

he is the best husband. ever.

ava was thrilled. she was in the car bouncing around and saying, "we're getting a kitten! my daddy said yes. he is so nice. he is the nicest daddy. i love him. i love daddy, mommy, sethy and the kitten. but mostly the kitten. and daddy. because he said we could get it!"

i love how i am the advocate for the pet getting and all ryan has to do is say yes and suddenly he's the awesome parent. yeah, i'm a little jealous.

now we have a cat! and he's adorable!

a problem: ryan has issues with naming things. first of all, we have completely different tastes in names and secondly, he knew too many kids named ryan growing up. so if a name i suggest sounds like it just might have some sort of level of popularity, it's out.

so, dear readers, will you help us name this cat? because i'm dry and ryan wants to call it buddah, which i feel is a tad disrespectful. the thing is, if i can't find a name to replace buddah, then buddah it is.

please help me name our cat!

this is the last of it, i promise

halloween in photographs

trick or treating

lion costume complete with stuffed seal

the first house

obviously, he was thrilled

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confession, list and thoughts. and a reminder.

item 1: it is so very odd how much i enjoy watching the pips kick their heels up and pump their fists in the air behind/beside miss gladys knight. and it is very odd how much i want to be one of them instead of her. but seriously, if you could sing the words, "superstar, but he didn't get far", wouldn't you choose pip? uh, yes. yes you would.

item 2. i forgot that ava used to answer every question with, "yes. sure!" and now i know why tyson would fall over himself inventing questions for ava to answer in the affirmative. because after watching home videos last night, i agree with him: it is totally way cute. and i miss it.

item 3. now that halloween is over, this marks the beginning of my favorite time of year. also the time of year when money is the tightest, i am the most frustrated/stressed and we are the busiest. and i hate all those things (feeling stressed about money, being too busy to enjoy life and feeling frustrated and stressed). so this year, i solemnly resolve to take it easy this year.

is it bad if you solemnly resolve to do something you know you won't do?

confession: i love the smell of cigarette smoke. a lot. i mean, a lot. ryan thinks it's bizarre. people have asked me if i used to smoke. no, i haven't. i just really love the smell of cigarettes. and, if it's cold out and it smells a little like rain, i just might ruin my sense of smell from smelling so hard. because those three things together are amazing. truly.

item 4. halloween started with me rushing to joann's for ribbon and then rushing to my mother's where i cut out a million strips of ribbon and hand sewed them into loops, then hand sewed them on to the hood of seth's lion costume all the while thinking of that one time when i tried to get the hood on his little bald head he screamed and squirmed. so, i might be (probably was) doing all that work for nothing.

well guess what?

HE WORE IT. ALL NIGHT. he is officially the most cooperative child i have ever had.

and ava rocked her little red riding hood costume. and once getting over her very oddly placed fear of saying "trick or treat" (house number one was a good friend's house), she was on fire. so was seth, once he figured out that these strange people in these strange houses were passing out bags of m&ms.

pictures to follow.

a thought: halloween is WAY better when you spend it with small children instead of adults dressed up in as little costume as possible. perhaps the slutty costume is part of the fun. . .you have to give as few clues as possible to what you are and in order to do that you wear as little as possible. . .i don't know. i do know that i didn't feel nearly as grumpy as i usually do this year.

also, enter the giveaway! it ends soon!