Tuesday, June 30, 2009

"till you drag your feet to slow the circles down"

can you believe june just flew by? i mean, it just started! and if june's gone, then we're already one third of our way through summer. and i hate that idea. i love summer.

when the time flies like this i feel this wild feeling, like i'm losing my grip on the tiny piece of control i have somehow managed. it's as though i'm holding on to something that's moving too fast, that my hair is being pushed back, my feet hurt from trying to simultaneaously slow things down and keep up. i feel like i'm not looking long enough at my children, i'm not visiting long enough with the people i care about, i'm not savoring the food i eat. it reminds me of that joni mitchell song "circle game" which makes me feel both happy and sad.

i'm moving more and more in to that anonymous role of mother, the strong backstage presence that places all of the correct props into the hands of the true stars of the show. i wear black, i blend in, i am the presence that pushes the stroller, the air that holds the baby, the hands that push the wild stray hairs back in to place. i drive people places, i drop them off. i fold the laundry, i kiss the tops of their little heads.

with all of these actions that must take place, how can i find the time to lift my head and take note of certain curren events?

if the time would just slow down, i'd be able to get it all done.

what if i regret things at the end? what if i'm not reading enough, not cuddling enough, not thinking enough? what if this wild ride ends up with feelings of regret? all i can see is the circles spinning faster and faster as i struggle to make appointments, work with schedules, meet deadlines and keep the house from turning into what looks like the aftermath of a kegger. i am doing so much. i'm proud of myself. i can do more, i know i can. i need to.

what is this world coming to? how can i tell if everything's moving by too quickly and all i can see is a blur called life?


Amber Marie said...

I'll act engaged for you! I've been wanting to take engagement pictures so bad...they are so fun and even more fun to look at. They just exude love yeah?

I understand your feelings of time going by so fast. I seem to have those moments or days every couple months where it just feels like life is going so fast. With the kind of mother and woman you are, I can hardly imagine you will have any serious regrets in the end :)

Krista said...

Well said, Miriam. I definitely feel the same way. People tell me that all the time (mostly total strangers...) how this time with my kids is so short, you'll never believe how fast it flies by! And I'm going, "Okay... what am I supposed to do about it?" But I really don't think I will have regrets (or you either). At least not serious ones. Maybe I will just wish that I had eaten just one more ice cream cone.