be still

i forget to be quiet sometimes.

i love my quiet time, but i don't think i've been spending much of it quiet these days. as soon as seth goes down for a nap and as soon as ava is off to play with a friend, or is watching a movie (her "quiet time") i sit down with my long list of items and start moving quickly to check them off.

fold the laundry.
write that email.
start the rolls for dinner tonight.
edit those pictures.

and while i'm working hard, i listen to music, or a podcast, or watch a tv show.

nothing about my "quiet" time is quiet (it's more like "quite a time", haha!).

today, seth woke up from his nap early and ava was still playing with a friend so, in the quiet of our afternoon, we built a train set together, taking up all the room in the middle of the used-to-be clean toyroom/office. and instead, of using the train tracks, seth ran his train up and down my arm, sucking madly on his pacifier.

and i tried to keep my mind quiet about all of the things i could get done in this thursday afternoon stillness, so i closed my eyes and let seth's little train run down my back and i felt the touch his sticky hand on my hair.

this is who i am. 


i am a mom with sticky hair. i recognize the sound of a small boy sucking his pacifier like i recognize the sound of my own heart. this quiet afternoon is mine and i am sharing it with my baby. the same baby i shared my body with, the same baby that reminds me, whether i like it or not, this is the best thing i can be doing with my time.

i know this in my heart, that motherhood is more than "my job" or even "my calling", it is a thing so real and so vital that it is indistinguishable from any other part of me. my eyelash, my heart, my toenail.

thank goodness for those moments when ryan and i were newlywed and we tried to decide about when to start our families, that we didn't wait.

thank goodness for the little mouse and the baby boy who greet me daily and make demands of me all day long.